For the first time in about five years, I am officially out of the dating/dealing with men/dating men/sleeping with men scene and I feel amazing. Not expending energy on finding a man, keeping a man, or fucking a man feels really damn good. For the past five years, I've turned into this woman that I don't recognize - hunting around for dates, dealing with male drama, and getting emotional over people who aren't worth my time. I'm officially over it and there's something liberating about it.
You might not know it from reading this blog, but I used to not give two shits about men. Pretty much up until I turned 21, I was kind of scared of them. I mean, I thought some were hot for sure and had my own little fantasies, but I basically ignored them. Men tried to date me, I laughed and smiled and kindly moved it along. Then, somehow, after a while I started to feel this pull to trying to lose my virginity. I crossed that off my list and then it was all about hooking up. From there was the downward spiral of dating, where I just wanted to be with someone so badly that I ran around SF and NYC (mostly SF, though) like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find The One. It's exhausting and ultimately not really worth it for me. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm The One - I, Cleopatra Jones, am insanely in love with myself and I don't care about men. I'm declaring this shop closed for business for the foreseeable future. The thought of even attempting to date someone makes my skin crawl. Sadly, I don't even really feel like screwing anyone. I'm always going to have a little bit of a boy-crazy streak, so I look at boys and assess them and I'm sure if one tried to mack it to me, I might let him, but I'm kind of over it. No more online dating, no more stressing over dick. CJ 3.0 - FOREVER ALONE. I'm kind of okay with it.
In the words of my best friend on earth (stolen from the Notorious B.I.G.) - "fuck bitches, get money." I think I'm going to chase dollar bills for a little while. Screw dating.
4 comments:
Mmhmm. I sort of settled into my current "not looking, not avoiding" state. If someone showed up? COOL. Let's do this. But it is exhausting to be actively searching for something for something you only have so much control over. It's nice to be comfortable enough to focus on other things and be okay with yourself.
Get that money, girl. :)
Lor
@Lor - haha yeah, i just know that i'm exhausted from searching. plus, i clearly don't know what i want to do with my job switch, so i should figure that out first!
I stumbled upon your blog a while ago and decided to start from the beginning and and work my way up to where we are now. You don't even sound like the person you were back then. Shows you've reached a level of maturity and, I know I'm not your sister or anything, but I'm very proud of how far you've come. You are an amazing young woman and you have your priorities straight. Good job CJ. you are truly remarkable and I wish absolutely nothing but the very best for you, whether that be a job or a mate. You deserve nothing but the best.
@YankeeNaija - aww this comment was so sweet! you are incredibly kind and i wish the best for you, as well!
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