...where I question if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Work is getting on my last damn nerve and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've worked at this job for 18 months, so I know I can leave when I want and I'm not bound by any rules, but I guess I just have this feeling of guilt about leaving again. I often wish I was one of those people who just knew what they wanted instinctively and never made mistakes or needed to explore options. I have friends who knew what they wanted to be when we were in high school and now they're out there being that person. My journey has been a bit more trying than that.
I am a late bloomer always. Everything about my past suggests this. I constantly make poor choices the first time around. My friends from earlier in my life were terrible for me. It took me until I was 14 to actually make a good friend. I just can't seem to figure my shit out at the beginning of anything. I was a hot and holy mess my first two years of college and I didn't really come into my own until I was a junior. Even at work, it took me a while to hit my stride. Let's not even talk about my relationships and boys. I remained chaste and unkissed until I was 21 years old. Let me repeat that - I didn't kiss a boy until I was 21. And no, I'm not wildly unattractive. I'm just... fucked up, I guess. It's like life just needs to knock me down a few times before I can get up and do the right thing.
San Francisco finally feels like home and that's great. I've found a city I love, an apartment I love, and friends (both at work and outside) that are amazing. I love everything about this city and my place in it, with the exception of my abysmal love life and (now) my job. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and it's brutal. Especially since I grew up thinking I'd be a lawyer until maybe 3 years ago. I also feel like an asshole for feeling restless because I know that I have it good, but I'm still not fulfilled. I'm not really sure a person like me knows how to be happy. I crave too much change and I get too restless about everything to really ever feel content.
So I'm hunting. Job hunting to be precise (the man thing is just too tiring right now). This blows.