You know what they say - write drunk, edit sober. So here goes (although I highly doubt I will be doing any editing). I just send the snarkiest of emails to She Who Will Not Be Named (aka my work nemeses, my manager's manager). This was probably stupid as I am drunk. It also probably isn't nearly as snarky as I imagine it to be, as I am drunk, but oh well. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to love going to work. In fact, it's been one of the most stable aspects of my life. When people ask me about the best decisions I've made in my life, I always say "Brown is #1. That place changed my life. And the company I've been at for 5 years is a close second." My employer has given me SO much - fantastic trips, the opportunity to see things I never dreamed I could see, as well as some of my best friends ever. I can't imagine life without my company, so I'm really shocked that I feel so shitty about everything. The sad thing is, I've had bad bosses and directors before. I mean, when I look at all of my managers, it's been about 50/50. I had a manager who was *FIRED* for Christ's sake, but even he was better than what I'm dealing with now. I'm just at my wits end and I really have no idea how to resolve anything. This is strange territory for me. I've always been good at school and always been good at work. What is truly sad is that I'm not bad at work, I've just somehow gained the hatred of our team lead for God only knows what reason. It's disheartening. Then, I have this interview on Wednesday. I want this job so badly - not just because of my obvious drama - but because I feel like I'll finally have a job whose purpose I can get behind. Something I can be passionate about.
I wonder if I'm being a baby or immature about this. I mean, I hear all the time about people having drama with their co-workers. I'm just not like that. I generally like and/or tolerate everyone. If you don't get in my way, we're all good. I certainly have teammates I don't like, but we have a mutual respect for each other. This feels different, somehow. Something is tingling in the pit of my stomach - my Spidey sense is twitching - and I can tell something is off about this team and the direction we're going in. I have to honor that. I'm a survivor and an opportunist, always. I look out for myself and I trust my feelings - so far they've led me to exactly where I feel I need to be.
Please pray for me. I'm not used to hating work in this way. Can't I go back to the days when I was bitching about men? At least that was more exciting.