The problem with me is that I'm a really nice person who wishes she could be mean, but can't. Especially when it comes to men, but in my friendships as well. I tend to generally like most people - it's hard for me to actively dislike someone unless they piss me off. I see people's flaws - of course I do, I'm a fucking Virgo. I see them, but once they've been identified, I tend to ignore them. Oh, that's just how so-and-so is. If the flaw isn't fatal, we can be friends. If it is, then I move on. I also don't like giving up on things or people. I am the kind of girl who will just keep trying to shove that square peg in that round hole. That's just who I am.
I used to get really upset when I thought about POP and how he broke up with me and then just vanished, but when I think about it now, I'm grateful for that. My emotions are crazy and volatile, which is why I try so hard to present such a cool facade. I don't cry in public (if I can help it) and I always try to seem okay at all times. I was taught that emotion was a weakness and that crying was useless, so it's hard for me to really come out of my shell because I don't want to be viewed as weak. All the volatility inside me, though, requires a lot of planning around how I interact with people. I hate surprises and I think that's what bothers me the most about TOJ popping up again. I'm sure everyone reading this is like "OMG DON'T MEET WITH HIM" and all that jazz. The problem is - he has already fucked me up by the sheer fact of contacting me. At this point, I think I would be more upset if I didn't see him because my carefully crafted equilibrium has been thrown out of whack and the uncertainty would eat me up inside. I have to at least see him once, figure out what his issue is, so I can develop a response and move on.
I love order and I love control and I love knowing what comes next. Uncertainty and surprise don't really work for me. I will never be a spontaneous person - that's just one of my neuroses. I need to know what's happening and I need to direct the action. I strongly dislike being put in a place where I feel like my balance is off. That's what he's done to me and now I need to figure out how to get that balance back.
On the bright side, I am no longer the person I was 5 years ago when I dated Tech Guy and got sucked into a 3 year shitshow. I'm not even the person who dated the Blexican and allowed pity to prolong a bad relationship. I am going to handle this much differently than I would have in the past and I'm looking forward to taking back the control I need to balance my life.