Now that I don't really have anything in my life like school to regulate my calendar, I've started to think of my birthday as being my "New Year." It's a good chance to reflect on the past, the present, and my hopes for the future. This year's birthday was a lot of fun. Friday night, I had my party and it was so nice to see friends - old and new. I'm really growing to love the life I have out here in San Francisco. My core group of friends is amazing and I also love my coworkers. They are just really fun and caring and I think when you do the kind of job that we do, you really form some tight bonds. There is nothing that will bring two people closer like traveling all the damn time and trying to put on ridiculously crazy events. I love those guys like nobody's business.
This past year was really interesting. I think it helped me gain some clarity on what I want. I had my first major job crisis, which was probably long overdue. I had two really rough breakups and I went through a period of not wanting to open myself up to anyone and while that may not be healthy when done for too long, I do think everyone needs to be alone for some time. It allowed me to process my feelings about men, my job, my life, and ultimately what I want for myself. Now that I'm slowly entering the dating pool, I feel so much more refreshed and healthy about it. I'm just taking it easy and letting men pursue me, which feels really fucking good. I got tired of the chase. I mean, what am I chasing anyway? I may never ever ever ever get married, even if I run myself ragged trying. That is a very real fear for me and I get sad about it sometimes, but when I really think about what is most important to me and what I want, I know I can find other ways to get it.
I have always been interested in the process of self-actualization - of loving and knowing myself better than anyone else. I do a lot of reflection and I analyze myself. I think sometimes it can be a handicap, but I also know that the most important relationship I've ever had in my life is the one I have with myself. That may sound selfish and narcissistic, but fuck it! I am 27 years old, I am single, I am childless, and I don't have to support anyone but myself and sometimes that feels good. Do I want more out of my life? Yes, of course. But, in the meantime, I just want to have fun and discover all the weird quirks of my personality. I don't know what 27 is going to bring - whether it will be a successful year or a shitty one, whether I'll ever fall in love or not, but I'm really excited about the prospect of growing up a little more each day.