late start.

Apparently, I'm starting my New Years Resolutions in February this year. I've had a crazy January filled with not a lot of productivity. I need to do better. At work, at home, at life. I think I need more of a routine and a kick in the ass at my job. I have a lot of work to do and I've been dilly-dallying like nobody's business. It is only a matter of time before it comes back to bite me in the ass. Which will probably happen at SXSW - the big event I'm dreading in March. Seriously, I will like work so much more when April rolls around and I have a slight chance to breathe. When I think about all of the things on my calendar this year, I have a feeling it's going to be December before I know it. Time is literally flying by.

Spending the next 4 days onsite at an event, so expect sporadic updates. I'm actually not nervous at all about this one, which is comforting. I feel like I just need to show up, do some minor tasks, and everything will run itself. Hopefully, this is one of the easy ones and one where I can get some sleep. It's hard to run on empty for more than a day or two. Wish me luck!

requested post: psychic update!

Little Gremlin requested that I post about my visit to the psychic, so I'm actually being good and doing it before I forget! Anyway, at this point I feel like my psychic is part-therapist, part-mother figure, part-clairvoyant. She's super amazing and such a warm person. I made this little list of things to talk about, but what it all ended up boiling down to was work and love - the two great themes of my adult life.

She basically told me that work is going to be a shit-show for the next 8 months. She said there's lots of upheaval at a higher level in my organization and that there is so much change that will come down the pipeline. She predicted tons of role changes and said that while I'll be safe and will have a job when it's all through, I most likely won't be working on what I'm currently working on. She said there will be some really difficult moments, but that it will all work out in the end for me. Not going to lie, I've kind of been worried about what is going to go down in my team and in the larger organization as a whole, so this discussion did not make me feel any better, but at least she sees a positive outcome in the end.

Then we talked about love. She raked POP through the coals for all the bullshit he put me through. She suggests ignoring him should we ever cross paths. She says I'm still hurting from the loss, regardless of whether or not I know it. I think there's truth in that. I don't know why, but the breakup with POP was so difficult for me. It wasn't like we even dated for that long, but I think the relationship represented so much hope for me and when he ended it and then never spoke to me again, it was really hard for me to cope. I'm still kind of angry about it. I think if I saw him in the street I'd want to punch him. I guess anger is better than pining.

She then told me that I would have a new relationship in my life, but it wouldn't start until the fall. She says it would be a lasting relationship, one where I finally get treated the way I deserve. She said I would be completely smitten and that he would feel the same about me and would make no bones about telling me so. She said it would be a life-changing relationship and would resolve all my fears about being alone. She described him as tall, black teddy bear type. I know that history hasn't indicated this, but in my soul, in the core of my being, I've always thought I would marry a black man. She couldn't see anything about his education, but that he would be able to make a living. She saw some delay in marriage due to location issues, so she says he might not live where I do. She saw Chicago or the midwest. According to her, we would meet at some venue with drinking and dancing, but not a bar - something like a wedding or an event. Makes sense given my line of work. It's a nice dream =)

Other than that, we just talked about my pattern in relationships and how I need to get the confidence to demand to be treated the way I deserve. She advised me to spend this year doing fun things, hanging out with friends, and just doing what I enjoy - not worrying about relationships. I think I'm going to take that advice to heart.

the best laid plans...

Whoops! I hate when I make a promise and I don't keep it, so apologies for not posting anything at all last week. Work has kind of filled me with this insane exhaustion that doesn't go away. I feel like one of those gerbils in the wheel - running and running and getting nowhere. It is not a pleasant feeling, let me tell you. I needed this weekend like nobody's business.

I know it's a little late for resolutions, but I've been doing a lot of reflecting - in my own head, with friends, with my therapist, with my psychic and I've realized something. I really just want to have fun. I want to be ridiculous, crazy and full of life. I want to stop obsessing and just do the things that give me joy. I'm tired of agonizing over this thing or that thing - I want to laugh more, dance more, and feel more connected to myself.

Yesterday, I went wig shopping and it was so much fun. I bought two new wigs and it's almost like trying on a new personality. I'm having fun with changing my appearance and trying on other personas in my daily life. It's really a quick and easy way to spice things up. I ran some errands after that and then went to go see my psychic for my standard beginning of the year appointment. She told me about work and love (which I'll get to at some point), but the thing that struck me the most was what she said about writing. She asked me if I have some kind of journal or book I'm working on, so I told her about the blog. She told me I need to keep going with my passion for writing and that I need to work on getting paid to do it. She said it would bring me great joy and would allow me to process my feelings and work through various issues in my life.

I have been a horrible blogger/diarist/writer lately. I haven't been devoting any time to this page or any of my other writing endeavors. I need to carve that time out. I think it's important and it's been a lifelong dream of mine. I want to be a real writer who says real things that people are dying to read. Sometimes I feel like such a sham because I never take writing seriously enough and I doubt my own creativity. I need to put a stop to that and get cracking on it. More truth. More effort. More writing.

truth.

I am really fucking tired. I can't even post. SXSW is killing me. I felt like I was dropping the ball and now that I think I've picked it up again, everything has gone to hell. Good Lord. I want to go to bed, but I feel like I need to stay up and crank.

I will try to be better about this.

getting uncomfortable.

In the spirit of writing in a more raw, honest way, I've decided I'm going to tackle 4 topics that make me feel uncomfortable in some way. I want to write about them honestly and without censoring myself. Hopefully I don't scare the crap out of everyone, but I want to try to step up my writing and my self-analysis and I think this is the way to do it. So here's the schedule for this week:

• Tuesday - body image
• Wednesday - racism and me
• Thursday - bad sex
• Friday -  my biggest fear (being alone)

Yay! Plans! =)

rainy sunday afternoon...

I have no intentions of leaving my house today and it feels really nice. I've been doing a lot of work (I'm so far behind with everything), with some breaks for reading and catching up on my DVR. As much as I miss the sunshine, it is kind of nice to relax at home, interact with absolutely no one and drink wine at 2pm.

I've been reading so much lately and it really has been inspiring. I'm reading the Robert Massie Catherine the Great biography and continuing my love affair with Anais Nin and reading Fire. If there was ever a soul mate for writing, I think Nin is mine. Her diaries are so full of life and excitement. Reading about all of the wild affairs she had with so many powerful and interesting men is riveting. It makes me wish I had half as much drama (and love) in my life as she did. It also makes me wish I could write as vividly, honestly, and full of raw passion as she does. I try not to censor myself, but a lot of what I write does go through a filter.

Especially lately. I've been having this issue that I want to write about, but I feel really awkward doing so. Partially because I don't like feeling the particular way I'm feeling about something and admitting to it would just make it worse. Also, I know people read this and I don't want to cause any drama or upheaval. Then, all the other serious things I want to talk about I'm too swamped at work and too exhausted to really flesh out.

I guess that's what I struggle with the most - the desire to be authentic and real, but the fear of what that authenticity means. I know lots of bloggers and writers who will get down and dirty with their sex lives or their finances or some aspect of their being, but they don't tackle what truly scares them. Even in this space, I have no issues telling anyone and their mother about what goes on in my bedroom or my vagina, but there are other issues (body image, race, anger, being single, growing up) that terrify me. I know, though, that that is the shit I should be writing about. Those things are the pieces of me that I should leave on the page/web. Yet, it's so hard to be so brutally honest with people about who you are at your core. I'm going to try harder to do this more, but it's difficult and the fear of judgment can be paralyzing.

more dating adventures.

I went on my first date of 2012 last night! It was kind of a dud. I mean, I sort of went into it not really all that attracted to him, but I figured I'd see where the night took me. We had dinner at this place called All You Knead (my therapist remarked that it was an *interesting* choice). It was kind of a divey, diner type place. We were the only ones there. The conversation was good - I mean, I can talk to a brick wall - but there were no spark or any chemistry. I think he also may have been a little bit too weird for me. I mean, I'm a huge dork when you look at the population at large, but when you zero in to the nerd world, I'm not that dorky. So, I suppose it's on to the next! One thing - he did make me peanut butter cookies, which was awesome, and he paid for the check, which was also nice. He sent me a quick email this morning thanking me for the conversation and wishing me a happy Thursday. Should I reply? I mean, I don't know. It wasn't like he asked me out again. I didn't know what to make of the email. I just don't know if I even want to open up a dialogue. I kind of think I want to leave it as is. We shall see.

Funny moment of the day: After I told my therapist that I was going to this party for SFSI and it was animal theme, she asked me very matter-of-factly, "Oh, does that mean there will be plushies and furries? What are you going as?" God, I love that I live in a city where my therapist is super open about plushies and furries. Alas, no, I will not be entering the furry world. I think that's a little too much for me.

everything is going to be okay.

That's been the message running through my head lately. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. I feel content with life as it is right now. It feels nice not to worry and obsess. I'm just living day by day and not taking anything too seriously. Work has been really stressful, but there was a moment today, while meeting with my manager, where I thought about how much I fucking love what I do. I don't know if I want to do it forever, but in this moment right now, I love it. I love planning events, poring over menus, scheduling shuttles, booking venues, finding the hottest trends and using them to create an mind-blowing experience for attendees. I may be working like a dog, but I'm happy to be doing it. That feels like a nice change from my previous roles.

I have a date tomorrow. I'm not sure excited about it, but I'm going and hopefully it'll be enjoyable. There are other boys I'm talking to and things look promising. I'm starting to feel more attractive than I have in a long time and that feels good. I'm going to a party on Saturday night with lots of sexy, sex positive people. My costume just came in (I'm a fox) and it looks HOT. Top that off with my sexy long wig and I am going to look fierce.

I'm really just enjoying living my life right now.

updates from the long weekend.

Why oh why do we have to go back to work tomorrow? I am loving not doing anything. Today, I laid around all day, reading and catching up on my DVR. I made one quick trip outside to go to Booksmith and buy Bitch magazine and Sex at Dawn. I'm trying to expand my sexual horizons this year, so I'm reading about polyamory. I know it's not my scene, but I think a lot of the skills required to be successful in a poly lifestyle are pretty useful for us monogamous folks.

Last night was a 2 Gold reunion - my old roommates came over and we drank and watched the Golden Globes. Hammered by 8pm - it was an excellent accomplishment. Pizza and Once Upon a Time to cap out the night and then I passed out fully clothed in my bed, my face in a book. Excellent! The best part about getting drunk so early was that my hangover came at 3:30am, so I had plenty of time to eat a quick bite, drink some ginger ale, take some ibuprofen and fall back asleep for 4 hours. I need to remember that for the next time I go out drinking.

I'm looking forward to this week! My first yoga class, seeing The Artist, a date with a new guy, and I'm going to the SFSI Burnlesque party. The theme is animal style, so I'm dressing up as a sexy fox. I can't wait. Hopefully there is some hook up potential at the party, because I need to get laid stat.

Anyway, I'm off to catch up on Downton Abbey and twist my hair. Happy four day week!

dating is pretty much a job.

I haven't really been immersed in the world of online dating in a long time. Sure, I've done the online dating thing pretty continuously for the past 4 years, but this is the first time in a long time that I'm really in it. Sending messages to people, replying to messages sent to me, browsing profiles and planning dates. I'm normally an in and out kind of girl. I reactivate my profile, go on one or two dates and then stick it out with one of the dudes I've met, thus deactivating my profile. This time around, it's been rough as I haven't had a clear "winner" in a while. I'm also trying to mix it up with going out, since I really do like meeting someone organically so much better. It gives me more butterflies and more of a spark. I don't think it's necessary for a relationship, but I love the feeling of connecting with someone when you didn't expect to. It's blissful.

Initially, I had planned on doing this whole Dating Project, where I would pick apart my dating life and have resolutions and goals and checklists, etc. Typical Virgo, Type-A shit. Sometimes I get tired of being such an organized, goal-oriented twit, so I said 'fuck it' and instead I'm just trying to go with the flow. That being said, I did find some value in writing out some resolutions and truths about dating that I hope will motivate and guide me on my journey.

Some highlights:

• Be Cleo. Sometimes, I think I act like my representative instead of myself and that's really not healthy and won't get me any closer to my goals. I know that I can't settle; I've tried and failed, so instead I should just be me.
• Enjoy the journey - pace yourself and don't rush. I am the most impatient human being in the world. I need to remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for and that the best things usually don't show up until farther down the line.
• When someone shows you who they are, listen to them. Good Lord, I need to learn this lesson. Every individual you interact with is constantly giving you hints and clues about who they are, what they want, and how much they care about you. You just need to listen to what they're telling you and not make excuses. If a guy is acting like a dick, he's probably a dick.
• Live in the moment, not the past or the future. I dwell on the past all the time. From now on, I want to take an 'on to the next' philosophy every time a relationship or courtship ends.
• Love others, but love yourself more. At the end of the day, I am all I have. When I die, I will have no one to answer to buy myself and if I keep putting others ahead of me in an unreasonable way, I will only be digging my own grave.
• Know what isn't negotiable and don't compromise on those things. I have to tell myself that it's okay to have a few things that are necessary in my relationships. Communication is number one on that list. In the past I've let that slide, but I know that I need it to feel secure, so I'm going to make sure it's present in every single relationship I have from this point on.

Looking forward to being less of an idiot when it comes to men this year!

my life with marilyn.

I spent Friday night with MB watching My Week with Marilyn. I liked the film, but I'm pretty biased due to my insane love of all things Marilyn Monroe. I had a huge poster of her hanging up in my sophomore dorm and the house I lived in my senior year of college. I own several of her movies, have read a ton of books on her (including her autobiography), and am constantly reading any article or watching any special I can find about her.

I don't know when or how my obsession began, but I've always had a love of dark, troubled people and things. I love when something beautiful is flawed or tragic - this probably makes me a sick person, but I like it because it shows the dual nature of life and that there is no such thing as perfection. I also identify with people who put on a show for the public and keep some part of themselves hidden away. It reminds me that you can never truly know what's going on in the recesses of a person's mind. With Marilyn, so much of what was captivating about her was all of her dysfunction - the troubled childhood, the marriages, the drugs/alcohol, and the tragic death. It's a fascinating look at an individual life, but it's also a lesson on how sometimes the things you think will make you happy end up destroying you. I'm also a sucker for anyone who is fixated on love and feels unseen or misunderstood.

Seeing the movie, I kept thinking about the notion of self-invention. I've always admired MM because I envied the way she was able to turn Norma Jean into Marilyn - creating a persona out of nothing and becoming a sexy Hollywood bombshell. I often long for that in my own life. Not the idea of stardom or beauty, but reinvention. Becoming the person that I want to be and trampling over the person I am currently. I've gone through many cycles of reinvention, but it's always been on a smaller scale. I used to be cripplingly shy and I've gotten over that. I used to be virginal and timid when it came to sharing my sexuality with others. Clearly, I am not in that same place. Lastly, I used to be a blind people pleaser and now I've learned to be more selfish. There's lots of change, but I still don't feel like I've created the identity that I want. There is so much about myself that I want to change and so many experiences I've never had. I wish I had the talent and bravery to reinvent myself completely without feeling like a fool.

Because I love quotes and so rarely get to use them on my blog, here's my favorite one.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

Whenever I think about myself and my insecurities and how difficult it is to be in a relationship with me, that quote provides me some solace. I may be absolutely batshit insane sometimes, but god damnit, all of the good inside of me is worth all of the insanity. I have faith that some day someone else will believe that as well.

Here's to a 2012 full of reinvention!

blocked.

It's not so much that I have nothing to say. It's that I don't have the time/energy to say it in the way that I know it needs to be said. I've been having so many thoughts lately about growing up and the changing nature of friendships, but I feel like I really need time to do the post justice. My life right now consists of getting up super fucking early, going to work, working like a madwoman, and then coming home and crashing. Oh, and online dating like it's my fucking job. I'm really tired. Thank God for 3 day weekends!

i haven't started any of my new year's resolutions.

Coming back from vacation is really difficult. I feel like I'm still swamped with work and life and it's really overwhelming. Last week, I eased back into my job (basically I just showed up at work and did little to nothing), but this week it's full steam ahead. I'm working on 6 events. God help me right now. I go into work every morning at 7:30am, work a full day, then come home and crank some more. It is really exhausting. I had a wonderful weekend, though. Two of my favorite sorority sisters came for a visit and I had a great time showing them around SF. Can I just say that it is the best feeling in the world to show the city you love to your friends and have them love it, too! So many of my friends don't understand the magic of San Francisco, but I love it here. It's amazingly beautiful and each neighborhood has its own charm.

Anyway. That is not the point of this entry. The point is I haven't gotten started with anything - I'm too tired. I saw my trainer today, but I've been eating like an alcoholic cow lately. I also think training is starting to bore me and I'm not seeing the results I want. So I want to mix things up a bit. I saw a pole dancer on Saturday night when I was out clubbing and I fell in love. Like I seriously questioned my sexuality for a good 20 minutes. Then, after I got over it, I just wanted to be her. So I want to look into taking some pole dancing classes, as well as some yoga. I'll mix in some cardio and weights at the gym and voila - a new routine!

My writing project has also stalled erm, not started. I haven't done anything about the state of my face and all those lovely new grooming habits I was going to pick up. Lastly, I wanted to start a dating happiness project and instead all I'm getting is frustration. Another cancelled date tonight (seriously, why is the only guy who is showing interest and being nice to me located in New York?!), so I spent most of the evening perusing the online dating world and picturing a future where I have to hire male escorts to tell me I'm pretty and desirable. Yikes, the future is looking bleak, ya'll. I need to get my shit in order stat. Luckily, I have minimal plans this weekend - movies with MB on Friday and dancing with SM on Saturday. I'm thinking about making another appointment with Mia, my psychic, to cleanse me for the new year. I feel like I need a second start to the year - this one was fake.

are you tired of me yet?

Hi friends! I took a little blogging break yesterday since I've been inundating the interwebs with lots of updates, but I'm really trying to stay up on this blog in the new year. I will probably be working on other cool online projects, but this space is important to me, so I want to make sure I don't neglect it too much. Things are starting to get hectic. I'm getting back in the swing of being back at work, which sucks. My job is also on the list of Top 10 Most Stressful Jobs of 2012 - awesome! Haha... I love what I do, but I'm not going to pretend like sometimes it's not crazy insanity. I know shit is about to get busy. I have three four (one just got added in the time it took me to write this) huge events - one in Feb, SXSW in March, another in June, and an exec meeting in July. My life is going to get really crazy really quickly, but I think that's for the best. When I'm bored, I do really stupid shit, so I like to stay busy.

In life updates, I have a date with HCP on Monday night. Should be interesting. I think I blogged about how he called me and left a voicemail when I got back to New York. I called him and left the world's most awkward voicemail ever. I seriously sounded like a crazy person. Then I forgot about him for the rest of the vacation, which was liberating and nice. When I got back to SF, I decided to text him and see if he was still interested because I'm trying to sleep with as many men as humanly possible until I find The One  open myself up to new experiences. He wrote back right away saying that he would love to see me and asked me out for the next day. I shot him down because I had birthday plans with a friend. Then he asked me out for that same night, but I'm not a ho and need more than an hour of notice so I said no. So we're going out on Monday night since I have friends in town this weekend.

I feel really good about the fact that I'm not stressing out about him and that I'm trying to take a different approach. I'm trying to just be casual about things and go where life takes me. Not to get too excited about anything too soon, but to be proactive about what I want. I also intend to take less bullshit and treat others the way they treat me. If I'm not a priority for you, you're not a priority for me. End of story. Hopefully this approach will be an improvement on my past 26 years of life.

treat yo' self!

God, I love that GIF. Today is my 'Treat Yo Self' day. I took the day off of work to relax, do some cleaning, read, and laze about. It's been awesome so far. It's only 3pm and I've already taken my to do list from 120 to 60. Not half bad =)

I'm ridiculously happy to be back in San Francisco. I love the weather and the people and my apartment. I feel so warm and cozy. I'm not 100% looking forward to going back to work, but I have a lot to do and some really exciting projects coming down the pipeline, so I suppose I will have to grin and bear it. I feel like I'm in a really good place right now. I'm just calm and not worrying about all the things I usually worry about. I have two of my favorite sorority sisters visiting on Friday and I can't wait to show them around the city I adore.

I feel like lots of good things are going to happen soon. Happiness! =) Now it's back to Pretty Little Liars and white wine. Don't forget to have your own Treat Yo Self day!

Dominican Adventure!

Taking a Caribbean vacation for New Years was definitely one of the best decisions I’ve made, but not for the reasons I had originally thought. I just got back from 5 blissful days in the Dominican Republic. When I initially had planned to go away for New Years, I wanted to have some soul-stirring, reflective journey of introspection and revelation. Like most of my plans, it was grandiose and idiotic. I assumed I would be going alone because I wouldn’t be able to find friends to come with, but instead I lucked out and my NYC work friends were game for a trip!

What I loved most about the trip was (1) the chance to spend a lot of time with a group of friends that I get almost no time with and (2) the unexpected time it gave me to unplug and completely check out. Back when I lived in New York, I spent my days hanging out with my work friends, who are awesome and lovely. Since I’ve moved back to SF, though, we rarely get to spend time together. We do the occasional gChat and checking up via email on each others’ lives, but it’s just not the same. I miss them. So I’m glad we were able to spend time together in a sunny, warm climate and have meaningful conversations and really connect. I also loved the fact that internet and cell phone service were spotty. This gave me a chance to really unplug. I spend so much of my time tweeting, Facebooking, Google+-ing and getting wrapped up in my work and personal email. It’s sad how much time I spend in front of a computer screen. Being freed from that was a nice change. It also meant I made a pretty big dent on the four books I’m currently reading.

Most of the trip was spent out sunning on the beach or near the pool. We really didn’t have a desire to go adventuring – we mostly stayed in the resort and our days followed a rhythm of sleeping in, getting up and going to sun ourselves and drink/eat by the water. Then we would return to the room, get showered and prettied up, and head out for dinner. Then home to chat, watch TV, and relax. On New Year’s Eve, we went to the larger resort and danced to salsa, bachata and merengue, while drinking champagne. It was fun, low-key and exactly what I needed.

I was so happy to turn my brain off this trip. I didn’t write up lists of goals or think about how to improve my life – I just existed. I’m one of those people (I’m sure you can tell this from my blog) whose mind is constantly racing – I’m always thinking and planning and list-making. It was so nice to stop thinking and to just be. I didn’t make any resolutions or plan my next great adventure – I just allowed myself to rest and recharge, something I don’t do often enough. It was a great reminder that sometimes there is more value in slowing down than in speeding up. I think I’m better prepared for 2012 now that I’ve had the chance to do that rare, unthinkable activity – absolutely nothing.

2012 Resolutions!

Yay! New Year! I love the prospect of the New Year. It’s become my new September. Back when I was growing up, I loved the freshness of Back to School – buying new clothes, new school supplies. It was a fresh, clean slate. Now that my school days are long past, January is that time for me – a chance to reflect on old times and plan new adventures. As usual, I’m 100% game and ready for what this new year will bring.

I started off making a list of resolutions for the New Year, but none of them really inspired me. I think I like last year’s method of choosing a theme for the year and having my goals revolve around that theme. For me, 2012 will be the year of Love. I don’t just mean this in the romantic sense (although, of course that is part of it – we all know how much I want romantic love), but there are other ways I want to bring love into my life as well.

First of all, I want to start with loving myself. Everywhere you go, people tell you that you’ll never find the love and acceptance you crave from others until you feel it for yourself and I believe this to be true. I want to love every piece of me – my body, my mind, my soul – and if I don’t love it, then I want to work hard on it to ensure that I do. I want to start with my awful self-esteem and work to rebuild my opinion of myself. I value my intellect and my wit, but I tend to get down on my looks and my body and my appeal as both a friend and a mate.

The next aspect of love I want to work on is my friendships. I know that I am a collector of friends. I love people and getting close to them and getting to know them and forming meaningful bonds. However, lately I feel like I’m at capacity and I’ve let certain friendships slip. I’ve become negligent and haven’t done my due diligence as a friend. I want to make sure that I’m giving all of my friends the love and support they deserve and that I’m making time for everyone in my life. My friendships are quite often the only thing that stops me from going to a dark and negative place, so I need to ensure that I’m giving them my attention. This also goes for my family. Living 3,000 miles away, it’s really easy to let your communication slide, but my parents and brothers have been so important to who I am as a person that I refuse to continue to let that happen.

Finally, and this will be the hardest one, I think – I want to make myself more open and receptive to love. I want to be more approachable. As a New Yorker, I feel like I always walk around looking evil and/or suspicious. I don’t smile at people in the street and I tend to lead with negativity or fear rather than with positive emotion. I’m not saying I want to be some beaming hippie-dippie flower child, but I think I could stand to not look like I just ate a lemon whenever I’m walking down the street. Maybe by being more open and more curious about the world and people around me, I can bring the love and acceptance I crave into my life. This also extends to my romantic relationships – being willing to take risks and embrace all different kinds of people.

So yes, 2012 is all about love. Finding it. Growing it. Cultivating it. Enjoying it. Wish me luck!

Reflections on 2011

Happy New Year! I’m a little behind in posting due to lack of internet in the DR, so you can expect a flood of make-up posts as I try to catch up. I’ll write more about how amazing and relaxing the Dominican Republic was, but for now I want to focus on my usual recap of the year past.

2011 was one of the better years of my life and I’m so thankful for all the good (and even the bad – you learn from the bad) that happened this year. I had some truly amazing and exciting moments. I had my first real relationship; I ended my first real relationship; I fell for a guy and had him break my heart. I traveled to Israel, which was beautiful, breathtaking and exciting. I went to the Dominican Republic with friends and closed out the year singing and dancing. I switched jobs and became a real event planner – working on two of the biggest and most exciting events my company puts on, as well as planning my first real event on my own. I got a new manager that I love and respect – and whom I believe wants to see me grow. I fell in love with San Francisco – fully and completely. I really can’t envision living outside of the Bay Area. I am a New Yorker, for sure – my impatience, cursing, and love of the Yankees will always ensure that – but I’m also recognizing that San Francisco is where I belong. My mother came to visit me in my new city and I felt like we connected in a way we hadn’t before. It was so much easier for me to be my authentic self with her.

I’ve formed new and strengthened old relationships here – I feel so happy to have so many different little families in SF. I was so excited to have JazzGirl move to SF and I feel blessed that her (now mine as well) friends have welcomed and accepted me into their little fold. I feel so loved. I’ve enjoyed countless dinners, brunches, and gossip sessions with my college friends and I’ve made new friends at work that help make a difficult job much more rewarding. Of course, it goes without saying that I wouldn’t be where I am without the long-distance support of my oldest and closest friends – College BFF remains my friendship soul mate. She just gets me in the most amazing way. My core MCM group supports me every day through gChats and Gmail threads - I can’t believe we’ve been friends for 12+ years. My NYC work crew is always there for long-distance support, gossip, and advice. I get so overcome with emotion when I think about all of my amazing friendships. I don’t deserve them at all. I am such a dark and deeply flawed person at my core - there is so much about myself that I would change and so much work I have to do, but I feel blessed that I have people who love and support me in spite of my shortcomings.

This year, I got a trainer and really starting working on my fitness. While I’m nowhere near my goal, I’m just happy that I’m committed to being active. It makes me feel so much better about myself. I also got an amazing therapist, who is helping me work through my issues in a positive way. I’m really working on changing myself from the inside out and I hope that 2012 brings more of that.

While there was a lot of good, there were also some rough times this year. I had my first true emotional breakdown over a man (POP). I struggled with my insecurities and my unhappiness at all of my relationship failures. I’m still wrestling with those demons, but I’m trying to stay positive. Sometimes it’s just so hard to be a single woman approaching 30 with little to no real relationship experience under my belt. I just don’t know what it is about me that is so repellent to the opposite sex. Combining my poor luck with my perfectionism was a recipe for disaster this year. I want to have faith and believe that God has a plan for me, but sometimes faith without results gets exhausting. I just broke down under the weight of my own loneliness, which is depressing to even write. I hope I don’t have to revisit that place again, but to be honest, I’m kind of happy that I went through the roller coaster of rejection, because that is how you pick yourself up and grow. It also taught me that I am capable of wanting to be close to someone. Maybe I’m not a heartless automaton after all. So, at the end of 2011, I’m moving onwards and upwards – committed to always learning, growing, and improving. That is all I can hope for in this life – positive growth and change.