professional win!

I am so happy right now! Seriously giddy! A website I've spent the past two months working on is finally live and it looks gorgeous. As nightmarish as it was to project manage this process, I loved it and now I have a beautiful webpage and I've gotten so much more visibility amongst the marketing team. I wish I could link to it here, but that would reveal where I work, so I can't. If you know me IRL, though, you should be able to find it pretty easily. It's our company's official presence at SXSW. I'm starting to get really excited for the event. I think it'll be a shit show and potentially really crazy, but it'll be so nice to be in Austin, getting rowdy and crazy with my co-workers (and potentially with boy). I think this will be a really fun week and a half.

I'm less nervous about my job and feeling a lot more confident. It's a good feeling! Hopefully it lasts. One week til I fly down to ATX!

fun san francisco weekend.

This weekend was pretty fucking awesome. I found a new favorite bar to go to, did some Mission exploring, had a wonderful date, and hosted a kick-ass Oscar party. Successful weekend - full of fun and little-to-no work. I also found someone to eat brunch with me at 9am! Yay for L&S! I wake up around 7am most weekends, so doing brunch at 12pm is torture to me. I need to start an early bird meetup group or something.

Friday night, we went to 83 Proof, which I really like. You pretty much tell the bartenders what you're in the mood for and they concoct something lovely and magical for you. I had wayy too many drinks and then we decided it would be a good idea to go to Mel's diner and eat everything in sight. After we did that, we had a little cab mishap, where Jazzgirl and L left me and S standing on a corner waiting for a cab, while they hopped into one across the street and took off! So much for no man left behind haha. It was pretty funny, though, I have to admit. We were like Did they really just leave us here? Really?

Saturday was the glorious early morning brunch! Then at night I hung out with TOJ. He was a little intoxicated when we met up, since he and his boys were drinking at a metal concert before I got there. I'm a trooper, though, so I caught up quickly and then we went for dinner. We ran into my manager! I was a total dork (and wasted) so I was like, "OMG TOJ, This is my manager! She is so awesome!" She looked mortified and pretty much ran away. Hysterical. We did more bar hopping and snuggling. I like that he's really affectionate towards me. A lot of the guys I've dated, it feels like we could've been brother and sister when we went out. He's very physical and it's very clear that we're out "together." We were going to go to a concert, but we got there and saw these really annoying chicks in front of us on line and we were like "umm, we could be having sex instead of listening to women in their mid-30s squeal like small children." So yeah - home, sex, cuddling, sleeping. He tells me I'm really easy to sleep with. I was a little offended until he said he meant actually sleeping, not the sex part =)

I'm starting to really like him. I know this because I miss him now that he's in Barcelona. He told me it's only going to be a week and we'll hang out when he gets back, before I go to SXSW. And he says we'll hang out at SXSW and he'll show me all the trashy bars in Austin. So far, so good =)

Woke up late on Sunday morning and then raced around to get all my errands done for my Oscar party. Sent TOJ a nice 'safe flight' text and then got everything set up at the house. The party was awesome. My friends are so fucking funny. The commentary was snarky and I greatly enjoyed laughing at everyone. More parties! I need to host at least two each quarter. All in all, fabulous weekend.

i've slowly started losing my sense of shame.

I've been reflecting on my life lately, and I realized that one of the biggest differences between old CJ and new CJ is my shocking lack of shame. I used to be one of those people who was very big on appearances - I don't mean fashion or makeup, but the appearance that everything is okay in my life and just making sure that no one could see any cracks or insecurities or really even learn any personal information about me. I kept friendships at a distance and I only really allowed people to see the things I wanted them to see. It was all about illusions. I'm pretty good at creating personas - hell, this whole blog is a cleverly crafted persona! This is a place where I get to be "CJ" and tell all details of my life - both scandalous and mundane. It has a tone that is similar to how I am in real life, but jazzed up a bit and cleverly constructed.

However, nowadays it seems like I just don't give a fuck about anything. I'm trying to decide if I think that's a good or bad thing. Some examples of shameless things I've done in the past few months:

• I let the boy I just started sleeping with see me in my cornrowed hair, without my wig, and I made no clever excuses about it. The old me is having a heart attack just thinking about that! Letting a guy see your hair when it's less than perfect - the horror! In general, I used to wait forever to let guys see how the sausage is made, so to speak, but now I really don't care. This is my face, this is my body, this is my hair - no frills.
• I took an insanely personal phone call with the company nutritionist about my diet and exercise habits in my open-air cube at work, in front of everyone in our little section of the office. Growing up and living amongst so many skinnies has made me incredibly self-conscious about eating and exercise and weight. White people talk about that shit way too much - seriously. I've had black friends I've known for years who I've never had those discussions with and I have coworkers I've known for weeks who are constantly putting their bodies down. Anyway, I'm still kind of mortified that several people heard me discuss my diet issues, but I couldn't find a conference room and there was no other option.
• I've become wildly inappropriate early on in the dating phase. TOJ and I have had - hmmm - 4 dates and I've already talked about midget porn, my love of anal sex, my ex-boyfriends, and sex parties. Clearly, I have no interest in making a good impression because I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. Luckily, he doesn't seem to mind --- for now.

Yeah, I'm becoming a shameless, brazen chick. On the one hand, I'm happy that I'm living my truth and living it out loud. On the other hand, is the TMI lifestyle I'm embracing sustainable? Is it wise? I'm not really sure.

datedatedate!!!

I told JK that I would end all of my post titles with exclamation points, so here we go! Haha... so I was totally freaking out about whether or not TOJ likes me and having a girlish panic attack. JK set me straight, and I quote, "No, you are just freaking out. He's already planned several dates in the future and is cooking you a meal and buying hardware to please you sexually. I'd say he is into it." I started feeling a little bit better, but I still wanted to kick it up a notch, so I bought some ridiculously sexy lingerie from the pinup store in Upper Haight. Cute bra, garter and thigh highs in pale pink and black. I wore a really sexy wrap sweater dress, brought some wine and chocolate, and headed over.


So... his house is amazing! I can understand why he wouldn't want to leave, even though he has two roommates. It was baller. They have an amazing stereo system - I can't even describe it. I know that he works in audio design, but it was just so nice. He had a million of those iPod stereo docks in nearly every room of the house in addition to the ridiculous stereo system in the living room. There were all these bathrooms and a beautiful dining room with an amazing kitchen and lovely furniture. The kitchen had all these high-tech gadgets and then they have a deck and a backyard. They have an attic with a bedroom upstairs. I was in awe! 


Dinner was delicious. He grilled me a steak (oh yeah, they have a full grill outside, too!) and then made gumbo and showed me how to eat it Cajun style. He made greens (god, I love greens. White boys who like greens = win) and these amazing beans and rice. We had the wine I had brought and sat down and talked for a while. He really liked my outfit and the food was so delicious. We had a lot to talk about, including the fact that we've met each other's exes! He knows TG's crew, which was weird. After dinner, I asked him if he wanted me to do the dishes and he wouldn't let me. He showed me the upstairs part of the house and then we went to his bedroom, which was immaculate. Seriously. He really is a man and not a boy. Everything was tastefully decorated and he even had a robe out for me, in case I got cold at night.


We had a very pleasant night =) He liked the lingerie a lot! We went to bed a little later than I wanted to. He likes to make fun of how early I go to bed and wake up, but his bed was so comfy and I slept so well. I woke up early this morning and we cuddled a little bit and then I called a car to leave. I texted him to thank him this morning (and to apologize for biting him and leaving a mark - I get super aggressive when I'm excited). He told me he's looking forward to our Saturday date, as well, and that I laugh in my sleep, which he finds endearing. I guess it's better than snoring! So far, so good. ::fingers crossed:: that this continues.

insecurities!

Okay, I really hate myself right now because I'm being such a silly little girl about things with TOJ. I'm just so insecure about everything! I keep wondering if he's seeing other girls, if he likes someone more than he likes me, if I'm just a fun sex toy for him. GAHH I don't know. Talking to my coworker/life coach today, she says that I need to see that what's stressing me out is coming from me and not from him, so I should be able to control it. Boy texts me multiple times a day, sends me cute little pictures, and we have a bunch of dates set up for the future (dinner, concert, burlesque show). He's even cooking me dinner! I need to just chill the fuck out and enjoy things and not do anything psycho-crazy to derail things.

I know that all of this stems from my past relationships, especially POP. I'm just so used to men not treating me well that I'm skeptical when they do. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out - waiting for something to go wrong. The thing is, so far, TOJ has given me no reason to doubt his intentions. All of this is coming from me and my own baggage. I need to lock it up, NOW.

In non-crazy news, I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night. He's going to cook, so I'm going to bring over some nice wine and chocolates. I think I may try to stop by my local lingerie shop to pick up something a little risque. We've made plans to do something a little outside of my normal sexual routine, so a sexy outfit might help make that even more fun.

Keep thinking positive thoughts... and as I type this, he texted me. Yay!

back to the start.

I think I'm over my little wig phase and ready to get back to wrangling with my natural hair. I go back and forth with my insecurities about my hair and what I need to do to feel beautiful, but also feel like I'm living in accordance with my values. I hate that I've accepted this idea that long, straight hair is pretty and that somehow the hair that grows out of my head is 'less than' because it doesn't fit into some arbitrary standard of beauty. I'm not going to lie - I like the attention that I get when my hair is longer. I make little observations as a woman about what gets you more attention and I've noticed that people men are friendlier to me when I (a) am wearing something sexy, like a dress or a tight top or (b) am rocking the longer hair. For a while, I was feeling kind of shitty about myself and the way last year ended, so covering all that up with a fancy new wig felt nice - instant self-esteem boost.

Now that I look back on it, I'm a little sad that I felt like I needed that validation in order to feel beautiful. As a black woman, as a feminist, but also as someone who craves love, acceptance, and a relationship, there are so many areas where my values collide with my desires and I'm not sure how to sort them out. I want to live outside of societal norms, but at the same time I want so many traditional things - the marriage, the children, the suburban lifestyle. Reconciling those two things can be hard, especially living and operating in an extremely white society. It's challenging. Sometimes it feels like you can't get the things you want unless you play by the rules that are given - dressing up, wearing makeup, having long flowing hair, and obsessing about how much you weigh. None of those things are really who I am. I love getting dressed up, but only for occasions like parties, dates, and weekends away. When I go to work, I keep it simple - jeans and a tee, Toms, and a hoodie. In the words of College BFF, "Why would I get dressed up at my job? I don't work for tips." I like to save it for when it really counts. I don't wear makeup because I think it will ruin my skin and quite frankly, if you want to be with this, I want you to know exactly what you're getting. This is my face. If you like it, you like it. If you don't, then oh well. My hair will never be long and I will never be a size 4. This is the package I come in, take it or leave it.

Ultimately, I guess I need to do what's best for me and what makes me happy. For now, that will be exploring my own kinky, nappy, curly, crazy coils and figuring out how to work them to my advantage. It was nice trying something new for a little bit, but I know how I am. Ultimately, I couldn't deal if I thought that I only got what I wanted because I compromised who I was. If it takes me forever to reach my goals, then so be it.

great night.

Things appear to be going really well with TOJ. I'm shocked at this and slightly terrified. We went out again on Friday night - he picked me up and asked me if I wanted to stay nearby or go eat in Potrero Hill. I like exploring so I opted for the latter, and he took me to this cute restaurant called Slow Club. While we waited for a table, he bought me a drink (he never lets me pay! I feel bad about it) and we chatted a little bit. We got seated and he let me order what I wanted (even though he wanted to same thing... he opted to get something else instead) and we had another round of drinks. The conversation was really easy - I feel like I can tell him anything and we talk about lots of things that I wouldn't tell people this early on in the dating process. He kept telling me I was really beautiful and how he felt like the luckiest guy in the restaurant. He is super sweet - I don't even know why he's so nice to me.

After dinner, we walked back to the car and he kissed me. He joked around and asked if it was too much affection for me (since I've told him that I'm an ice queen). We drove around a bit and then he took me back to my place. He had brought a really nice bottle of wine for us to drink and we sat in the living room and drank it and hooked up a bit. I was on the fence about sleeping with him, but somehow we ended up in my bedroom and all of a sudden, I had no clothes on. I felt like things were moving too quickly, so I asked him if we could slow it down. "You're the boss! How about we just lay down and cuddle instead?" was his response. Perfect. So when I finally got comfortable, I felt like I was ready to get it on, so we did. And it was good. Yeah. Older men - they definitely know what's up.

We were up pretty late - didn't go to bed until after 3am, which was fun. We also got to talk a bunch - I learned more about his job and he's the first man I've ever really been upfront with about my fantasies. I like him because he encourages me to be me. He lets me talk and ramble on and he likes it. He treats me with respect (well, when I want to be treated with respect), but is also totally take charge when he needs to be. He didn't wait 9 dates to kiss me and he's really aggressive in bed, which I like. He just feels really masculine, while not being a total douchebag. And he compliments me a lot. I like it. He spent the night - I think he was shocked that I wanted him to. We woke up early the next morning for obvious reasons and then he left when I needed to get ready to go to the movies with MB.

I was afraid that post-sex he would lose interest or stop contacting me, but we've still been talking every day and he texts me during the day to see what I'm up to and how I'm doing. We have two dates for next week - during the week, he's going to make me a home-cooked meal of my choice and then we're going to a concert over the weekend before he leaves for Barcelona. So far, he's a good one. I even let him see me without my wig on - hair all crazy and braided. I just feel safe with him and I feel like I can be me and he won't judge. It feels nice. I'm happy. =)

recap of date 2!

Last night was another successful date with TOJ. He's really starting to grow on me. We texted all day and decided that he'd pick me up around 8pm and we'd grab a meal somewhere. We drove around and ended up in the Richmond. He'd had a pretty bad day, so he needed whiskey and I need no excuse to drink, so I had the same and we chatted at this little seedy bar. He likes dive bars, a lot. After that, he took me to Korean BBQ. I'd never been before, so it was nice to have him show me the ropes and explain things to me. He does a lot of travel to Asia, so he knows all this cultural stuff. He was super cute and would take pieces of the meat off the grill and put them on my plate. I know I'm supposed to be all feminist (and I am), but I secretly love that shit. He seemed really happy that I liked the meal and we had a good time enjoying each other's company.

{{Sidenote: the woman who was grilling our meat at the table was OBSESSED with my hair. Like, literally couldn't stop talking about it. I really thought she was going to scalp me for my twist-out. She also told me I looked like Michelle Obama, which is vaguely racist, but I'll take it!}}

Back to the date. After dinner, he wanted to walk around so he could hold my hand, so we took a short walk. He kissed me in the street. I'm so not a PDAer, so I kept running away because that's what I do, so we finally went back to the car. He drove me to my door and then kissed me some more. I had told myself that I was going to abide by a 2nd base only boundary and had purposely left my apartment a holy mess so I wouldn't be tempted to allow him to come in. We made out pretty hardcore in the car. I kept to my second base rule, though. He told me that he's very patient and we'll get there when we get there. He definitely wanted to sleep with me, but I was not letting that happen. He finally kicked me out of the car because "if you stay here any longer, it's going to be harder for me to be a gentleman." So I hopped out and went to my apartment, where I proceeded to have the worst case of lady blue balls on earth. I was so WIRED. So yeah, I'll probably sleep with him this weekend because I just can't take it much longer.

Overall, I like him. I told him that I'm a little commitment-phobic and that I've never been in love before and that I'm a tough nut to crack. He told me he's not asking for any labels right now and that he's super easy-going. He says as long as I go out with him every so often and let him hold my hand and kiss me, he's happy. I can definitely do that. He's ridiculously sweet to me. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he's so happy he met me. He likes my natural hair better than my wig experiments (real talk, though... I've found that white men LOVE natural hair. much more so than black men, which is why I'm wearing a wig on my black date on Thurs). He really is super gentlemanly - pays for dinner/drinks, opens all doors (including the car door) for me, lets me eat all of the jalapenos at dinner, and doesn't pressure me to sleep with him. He's also giving me a set of concert tickets that he bought and can't use because he has to go to Europe for work. Says he wants me to have them as a gift because he thinks I'll really like the show. So yeah, he's sweet and kind and nice. Which means I will probably ruin him. Because that's just the way I am with nice guys.

weekend tidbits.

This weekend was fairly relaxing. I've done some work, hung out with friends, brunched hard, and now I'm laying in bed catching up on SNL. A pretty nice weekend =) Lots of random things floating in my head"

• Bill Hader is so fucking funny. I love him so much. The Clint Eastwood Super Bowl commercial spoofs are hilarious.
• Online dating around Valentine's Day is super weird. I have two dates this week and I'm already feeling overwhelmed.
• I have the title to the memoir-esque book I'm writing!!! No, I can't tell you, but if you know me IRL it's something I say all the damn time. Having a title is actually half the fun of writing the book.
• TOJ is super sweet and texts me pretty much every day with something nice to say. Why can't all men be as engaged? Also, I just realized I've never dated a Virgo before. Wonder how this will go.
• At brunch today, Gremlin told me about a friend she has who used to be a porn producer. Now I'm researching non-sexy jobs in porn. Possible career change? I bet I could make a ton of money if I worked in that industry. Although, I do fear that it would ruin sex for me forever, even if I wasn't a performer. Seems like you'd get numb to it.
• I totally dropped the ball and didn't make a hair appointment for another braiding. I'm either going to try to do this on my own (prediction: epic fail) or it looks like I'm wild and curly for the next couple of days. I really need to get the wig thing down for my date, though. If I lived in New York, where there are black people, this would not be an issue. Oh well.
• I need more blackness in my life.

That's all. Happy Sunday!

it's one of those days...

... where I got drunk super early and ended up hungover by 7pm and now I'm at home on a Saturday night with a raging headache and not one stitch of work done. Oh, well... I had fun. Now it's just me and my thoughts for the evening, so this is going to be a little bit jumbled.

I've been thinking about judgment a lot lately - my own and others'. One of my good friends made a New Years resolution to be less judgy. It made me think a lot about the role of judgment in my own life. I mean, I certainly do judge people and situations, but in general I'm good about keeping those thoughts to myself. I'm also pretty good at limiting my judgments to a few select categories, most of which I think are pretty substantial. What I suck at is caring about other people's judgments of my own life and comparing what I'm doing to what others are doing.

I think it's really difficult to draw the line between using people's judgments to make improvements to your life and letting people's judgments influence your behavior unnecessarily. On the one hand, I believe that the people closest to you have lots of insight into who you are, who you could be, and what you deserve. On the other hand, I also believe that no one can be inside another person's head or really know their truth. So I struggle with finding that balance. Sometimes others can see things you can't and so their judgment is valuable, but sometimes they think they're seeing everything when they're not. In my own life, I worry about pretty much every decision I make and how it will be viewed. I remember being terrified when I was going to tell my parents and my friends about my job change. I really worried that after years of preparing to be a lawyer, that my new event planning path was going to be viewed as a downgrade. It all ended up fine and my worries came to nothing, but I hate that I let those things bother me so much. You should do what makes you happy and fuck everyone else, but that's easier said than done. I'm much happier now with my career and if I had let that fear control me, I'd be in a shitty place right now.

As I go through my life, lately, I've been trying to tune out everyone's voices and focus on what is going to give me the greatest happiness. I've never been good at living by others' rules and quite frankly, I'm a stubborn bitch who is pretty much going to do what she wants to anyway. Since that's the case, I might as well stop worrying about what other people are thinking and just live.

the now: austin, tx.

Just got into Austin tonight. Had dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. She seems nice - easy-going, cool, pretty but not in a high-maintenance way, and dedicated to her faith. They're both studying to be directors of Christian education. I liked her. I approve.

I'm nervous about the next two days worth of work. So much shit going down and I feel completely overwhelmed and unprepared, but maybe that's what this job is supposed to be like.

In boy news - TOJ has been texting/IMming me and making me feel like he's actually interested in me. It's nice to feel pursued. Got asked out on a date by another dude who seems sweet. So there's two dates for next week. Talking to another guy that seems pretty attractive. All in all, my stock is rising right now. I don't know why. Crossing my fingers that it lasts.

Okay, I need to get to bed. Lots of site visit shiz to take care of in the morning.

surprisingly good date.

Last night I went out with TOJ, a new guy from OKCupid land. We've been talking for a while and I felt like we'd get along well together. Some basics - he's 33, lives in the Mission, loves music, and does audio hardware design for a living. He's also snarky, sarcastic, a Virgo, and loves whiskey. All huge pluses in my book. And he hates the environment. Swoon. No, I'm not joking - I find these qualities to be attractive. I gave him my number and we texted back and forth for a bit to pick a location. Decided to do a bar in the Upper Haight, which was easy and convenient for me.

He looked pretty much the same as in his pictures and I had told him about my new 15 inches of hair, so I don't think he was shocked that I look a little different now. We started drinking whiskey gingers and just chatting about everything. He was really easy to talk to and we have different interests, so it was nice exploring some of that. I learned some more about him and told him some more about my life. Two whiskey sours later, he asked if I wanted to move to another bar - one that I used to live above, but never really ventured into. Another two whiskey sours there and I was pretty hammered. I hadn't eaten (so stupid), so four drinks was really killing me.

I have the worst date etiquette ever. I've been having drunkbacks (my term for flashbacks from drunken nights) and I distinctly remember talking about scat porn. Also, I'm pretty sure the exact words "so yeah, there was a midget dressed like a baby being f*cked by a woman with a strap on" came out of my mouth. Did I really say that?! Especially on a first date. Good Lord. In my defense, he had asked me about my sex education stuff and so I was telling him about the class. This was all relevant class information and not shit I'm into, so hopefully he didn't think it was too weird. Thank God, I didn't go on my anal sex rant. I was close, but managed to keep that to myself. Sometimes, I really love me. I'm just so goddamned weird and yet, I still manage to garner some male interest. There are days when I look in the mirror and I hate myself so much, but when you're not pretty, you're forced to be interesting and that has been the saving grace of my life. I will never be a supermodel, but god damnit, you will never, ever get bored with me. I can promise you that.

He offered to buy me something to eat, but I felt bad because he was paying for all the drinks and wouldn't let me pay for anything, so I declined. He was pretty sweet. He held my hand in the bar and told me I was amazing and beautiful and all the things you always want to hear from a guy. It started raining, but he still walked me home like a gentleman. He kissed me outside of the Panhandle in the rain (I'm half awww and half ughhh - you all know I really hate romance). Then we got to my apartment and he kissed me again and told me he wanted to take me out again next week, when I'm back from Austin and he's back from Tahoe. He texted me that night when he got home to thank me for the pleasant evening. We've been texting back and forth today. We're both going to SXSW, so I think I may have my sex connection for that week. He's already mentioned things he'd like to take me to see while we're there. Awesome.

I'm talking to two other dudes right now that I may set up dates with. Things are good... well, with men. Work, that's another tale for tomorrow...

post-event bliss.

The event is wrapped and it was a smashing success! Everyone loved it and we're already planning another one for next year in the same space. I got to stay in a sweet villa for most of the week and I invited some of my work friends to come stay and spa it up. I got my first facial and a lovely body wrap/massage. My skin feels better already and the massage definitely got rid of some of my tension. This week is another whirlwind - a date, lots of work to catch up on, and a trip to Austin to survey our site for SXSW.

I'm actually excited for the date. I've been talking to this guy for a really long time, so it feels nice that we'll finally get to go out. We seem similarly tempered - sarcastic smart-ass Virgos with stressful jobs who hate the environment and love whiskey. I think even if we don't have a physical connection he seems like someone I'd want to hang out with, which is a pretty big plus. I always seem to go for these guys I have nothing in common with, but this one seems like my kind of guy. I will report back on Tuesday!

I've been journaling more and it feels good - bought a pretty new bright red Moleskin. I'm just trying to keep the writing train chugging along. I'm excited about Austin because I get to see my youngest brother. He invited me to "student-led Bible worship" - I declined, and instead opted to do dinner with him and his girlfriend. I'm excited for Texas Mexican food and getting to meet her. I feel so mature visiting my brother and being all family-oriented. Normally, I only bother with my parents and ignore the rest of my family, so I'm showing some growth there.

All in all, it's been a good weekend. Super Bowl today, but I'm still kind of hungover from last night, so I'm not sure what my plans are going to be. I don't know if I can handle drinking. Plus, after a week of eating nothing but rich, fatty resort food and drinking lots of good wine, I really should just stick with salad and water for the next couple of days.