i hate hormones!

I had so many exciting posts planned for this week - celibacy vs. sluttiness! radical blackness! dealing with my privilege! Instead, my period is making me simultaneously evil and wanting to burst into tears. I seriously almost cried during our team meeting today for no goddamn reason. I don't know what's wrong with me?! Then, when I wasn't near tears, I was scowling. Bonus, though - when I have my period, I never want to eat. Win!

Lately, I have been hardcore hating doing what I'm doing. Trying to figure out next steps - do I stay? Do I go? Do I have the courage to leave everything and try to do something new and exciting? Or should I tough it out, hoping it's just a rough patch and that it will get better? Blarg... I'm exploring my options for now and hoping this is just a phase. I knew it was going to be rough, and there is so much change happening right now, change that I don't even fully understand. I might just want to see what it all leads up to before making any rash decisions.

However, I just know myself. The second a thought like this enters my head, it consumes me. It's why I moved to San Francisco the second time. A little spark that caught fire and grew. I'm curious to see what this spark will grow to be.

reminders.

I actually had an enjoyable weekend, despite the fact that I gave up my Saturday to elf for the sex ed group where I did my training. I've been so far removed from the world of sex education lately, that I had forgotten how captivating and exciting it is to me. I miss it, and Saturday was the perfect reminder. Sitting in a room full of sex nerds and watching a ton of porn really helped me realize that I need to make space to do more sex ed research, training, and teaching. I can't let myself forget again how much joy I get out of it. Listening to panels on sex and hearing from men and women with sexual identities that are different from my own is eye-opening and fascinating.

I'm so jealous of this year's class. They get to hear a talk from an erotic clown! Warning: if you are going to look up erotic clowns (like I did with my friends at drinks on Saturday), it is not safe for work. Just so you know... I am just so intrigued by any and everything sexual, even things I have no desire to experience. The whole subject is fascinating to me.

Another forgotten love: theatre. God, I miss theatre so damn much. Stage managing was one of the most frustrating yet gratifying experiences I've ever had. To be a part of something like a play or a musical feels so good. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking I have time for that, but I can certainly start getting my butt to the theatre more often. Maybe even doing some ushering. Also, I need to get back into the movie scene. I remember living in SF right after I graduated from college and TJ and I would see 1-2 movies per week! I miss that. I need a movie buddy out here.

I've made a decision recently that I don't care if I run myself into the goddamn ground, I'm going to do all of the things I want to do. I hate when people tell me (or when I tell myself) that there isn't enough time. I know it's true, but I'm going to fight it with every ounce of strength I have. I want to write; I want to keep my job so I can make some money (for now...); I want to explore entrepreneurship; I want to volunteer and educate people about sex; I want to get back involved with theatre; I want to watch movies; I want to continue to read as many books as I can get my hands on; I want to keep up with all of my friends, both in SF and outside of it. Life is just too short and I can sleep when I'm dead. I've always been a better person when I'm busy.

random thoughts at the end of my day.

1. I am such a flake - I totally bailed on this thing tonight because I'm tired and stressed out. Whoops.
2. I'm watching Real Housewives of Atlanta and I'm so jealous of Kandi's sex toy business. I want to make a sex toy. Homegirl has her own lube! HER OWN LUBE! Maybe some day...
3. I cannot keep reading this damn Fifty Shades of Grey book when I'm not getting laid. It just makes me angry. Also makes me think about all the BDSMy stuff TOJ and I had planned to get into. Oh well...
4. This is the best site ever: http://howblackpeoplefeel.tumblr.com/. This is me: http://howblackpeoplefeel.tumblr.com/post/21860226838/going-out-dancing
5. I hate people who judge other people's interest in sex. It may not be your cup of tea, but no need to snark on it! (Please note: this is directed at NeNe from RHOA, not anyone I know... I obviously am not doing anything productive today.)
6. I have an event on Tuesday that is going to be the tackiest thing alive. I don't want my name anywhere on it. I will never do an event for someone who doesn't work at my company again. There will be balloons there. BALLOONS. I want to cry.

eureka!

I have pretty much been a hot ass mess for the past week and I've been struggling to figure out why. Things have been crazy in the office and it's really making me miserable. There have been two constants in my life, things I've never ever really had to worry about - school and work. I can do school. I know how to study and prepare and I've always tested well. At work, I finish my tasks thoroughly and completely. I'm too much of a perfectionist not to. My personal life is pretty much always fucked up - I'm chronically single/unloved/unable to love and I go through periods of feeling lonely. I'm used to that. That I can handle, but I cannot handle trouble at work or in my academic life. Getting yelled at and all the other crazy things that are happening have ruined my inner calm.

I've been upset lately - there's the work incident, combined with me forgetting to do something, and then I'm working on this one event that has become ridiculously complicated for no good reason. It's made me question my purpose in life and what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate working for other people. It's the most annoying thing in the world when you want to get something done. I like having agency and free reign - that's when I do my best work, when I'm left alone and allowed to do what I need to do. I want to start my own business; I want to set my own hours; I want to do my own thing.

I couldn't sleep last night - I had weird dreams about missing a flight (which I never do) and all of the power went off at my job and then my dad was in the dream trying to get me to the flight. It was bizarre. I had been meaning to sleep in, since I'm working from home today and that's the perfect opportunity to rest later than I normally would, but I couldn't. Instead, I got up and looked for jobs at every tech company I could think of. Of course, that yielded nothing, so then I started looking internally to see if I could spot something and I did. Not a job I want right now, but a job I might want in the future.

If you ask my oldest friends about me, they will tell you that I am anal retentive and crazy. I make lists of lists and I love organizing things (note: this organization does not extend to my apartment). While I was browsing jobs at my company, I found some listings for Program Manager roles. I think I'd like to do more of that. I want to be the one that's making the lists, setting up the meetings, and driving things to completion. I'm a hardass taskmaster about most things and if I was doing program or project management, that's exactly what I would be paid to do. In that vein, I wouldn't mind doing some consulting - helping people organize their lives or their bookshelves or their email accounts. I get pleasure out of finding a problem and solving it. It's probably the greatest reputation I've built for myself on my current team. Whenever anything is wrong or someone needs to figure out how to do something, the default is "ask Cleo." I've worked at my company for 5 years and I've learned things, made connections, and figured out how to answer difficult questions. I want to be able to use that talent. Plus, that's when I'm the happiest - solving problems, fixing things, and organizing the hell out of everything.

Good Lord, let me parlay that into something that can make me some cash. Dolla dolla billz, ya'll! =)

feeling unfulfilled.

I don't know if it's just the perfect storm of circumstances or what, but I feel so shitty about my job right now. Which is so weird because in general, I love what I do and I've gotten to have some seriously amazing experiences. I have a really good job. I get paid well for the work I do and I get to travel on the company's dime and meet awesome people. Hell, my job is to spend other people's money and not just other people, but a major corporation. So why am I feeling this deep sense of discontent?

I think some of it boils down to what happened last week with my manager's manager. I just don't like petty bullshit and office politics and I think that I'm starting to really hate dealing with all of that. Normally, I'm able to stay out of the fray and just do my job and go home. Things have changed and now I'm involved. I just don't like what went down and I feel like I'm being grossly undervalued. If I had stayed in HR, I'd most certainly be at a higher level than I am now. I took this job knowing it would be a slower path - new role, new set of responsibilities, totally new industry. I'm fine with that, but I'm not fine with that plus being threatened over a comment I made to my friend 1000 miles away from the office. Besides the dramz, the things I'm working on are less than exciting at the moment. I know this will change in the second half of the year, but right now I'm just unfulfilled with what I'm doing.

Maybe it all boils down to the fact that I'm tired of working for somebody else, yet feel paralyzed to change that. I like the money I make and the thought of losing it to venture into God knows what is terrifying. Plus, I don't know what it is I want to do. If I had a clear direction, I think it would be easier, but I'm just not sure. What would make me happy? How would I be able to live the lifestyle I want to live while also having more freedom? I can't really think of anything that works and that I think I'm talented enough to do. I just have so many scattered interests. I need to hone on one of them and go for it, but that's easier said than done.

This whole dilemma makes me feel like a spoiled millenial. I know I should be happy with my job - I'm ridiculously lucky and I know that and understand it, but I'm still not entirely happy. Not really sure what to do next. At least I have therapy this week...

i still don't know what i want to do with my life.

So far, things are going fairly well in my world. I'm over my breakup with TOJ, I've been having a ton of fun hanging out with my friends, and I've logged some awesome travel for work. Of course, there are minor setbacks always, but in general I'm feeling really happy. The one thing that's gnawing at me, though, is what I'm supposed to do with my life and whether or not I'm living up to my full potential. I guess I'm just not sure what it is exactly that I want to do.

I've always been a jack of all trades type. I have a wide variety of interests and I can maneuver around most tasks I'm given, but I constantly struggle with what my passion is. I know it's not what I'm doing currently, although I do love the job. I also know that I want the freedom to work for myself. If only I didn't need the money that my current job provides. I know I'll break free eventually, but to do what? I think of all of the things I'm passionate about - history, sex education, reading, feminist issues, organization systems, writing, psychology. Yet, I don't see a clear path from that. I'm not really sure where to go.

I like to think I'm pretty self-actualized and in a lot of ways I am, but then there's this huge hole and I wonder if I really do know myself as much as I like to think that I do. I just have to hope that time and more thought will lead to a positive conclusion.

time for a breather.

I just checked my calendar and I have no travel coming up until Memorial Day Weekend, when I go away for Commencement. SO happy that I get to just sit back and enjoy San Francisco and my friends and rehabbing my life before I go back to see people I haven't seen in years. I love my job (when it's not being mucked up by petty bullshit), but it exhausts me sometimes to do all of this traveling. I'm happy to have a glorious 5 weeks to start working on me without the distractions of skipping off to Montana or Vegas.

I have a few projects I want to work on. Doing an audit of my finances, knocking out my credit card debt, and getting rid of unnecessary expenses (Netflix) and not using Uber every damn day. It's time to hit the gym again *hard* - my goal is to go at least once a day, if not twice. Eating better and not drinking my face off every night. I'm sure I can do it for at least a month. I want to start writing more and really putting my ideas on paper (or Google Doc, as it were). I have 5 weeks to get started on these projects - that seems like enough time to make a few dents. This also may be the longest I go without traveling for the rest of the year!

One thing I don't want to focus on is dating. I just really don't have a desire to go back online and do that whole OKCupid thing. I think I might delete my profile tomorrow. For whatever reason, that's just not where my head is at right now. I kind of don't care about boys or sex with boys, for the first time in a long time. I want to bring it back to me for a little bit and focus on my own needs for a while. I can't really explain it, but I just feel this overwhelming sense that life is going to be okay, that my love life is going to be okay, and it will be waiting for me when I'm ready to return to it. I have faith that things will turn out as they should, without me being a control freak about it.

trouble in river city.

I got reprimanded at work yesterday over some petty bullshit. I am not pleased. The basic gist is, some of the work girls were talking about another girl we work with when we were down at SXSW. I can't remember exactly what was said, but basically this girl was hired in above us and I don't know that I've seen any evidence that she is better at her job than I am at my lower one. We have this vendor that we use for all of our events and she must've overheard us. She then told our team lead, who came down heavy on the three of us. She set up a lunch with me and was all, "I don't tolerate talking about other teammates." She then proceeded to call me a Mean Girl and say I was spreading negativity in the office. She told my colleague (and friend) that what we did was a "fireable offense." I probably shouldn't blog about this, but I'm pissed off. The only reason we got in trouble is because we were talking about a girl that the team lead is BFF with. Luckily, my super cool manager was like "I don't give a fuck" and told me not to worry about it because it's stupid and petty. She apologized that I even had to go through it. I'm hoping it doesn't get to our director, but even if it does, my boss has told me she'll stick up for me.

The whole thing has just left a really bad taste in my mouth. Why was I yelled at? Why on earth would our vendor tell our team lead about that conversation? It makes no sense and had no effect on her job or work, Also, why is this a discussion we're having one month after the initial conversation took place? Ugh. I don't trust anyone. And in response to her allegations that I'm a mean girl, I have one thing to say:

back from montana.

It was breathtakingly beautiful. It snowed and the mountain was gorgeous. The resort was amazing and all the amenities - God, I need to get me some money so I can live like that! Seriously. It also made me think about what I want for the future - all the ways I'm hoping to grow and what my career could look like if I had the courage to take it where I want it to go. It was a good trip.

Unfortunately, I have more work than I can handle and so I can't blog all about it in the way I want to, but I'm cleaning house now. I've decided that I need to get rid of things that don't fit me anymore - people, clothes, expenses, thoughts. I really want to take this time to cut the bullshit out of my life. It's hard, because you live with something for so long that it becomes comfortable even if it is no longer healthy. I know that if I make these changes, though, life will be better, simpler, cleaner. All things I want.

patience.

I've decided I don't want to pursue dating right now. It feels like a good decision and I'm comfortable with it. Not that I don't want to get laid or meet someone, it's more that I don't really want to expand any energy on that in my life. If it happens, it happens. I kind of just want to do me, hang out with my friends, and focus on upcoming events that I'm excited about. Mostly 5 Year Reunion and the weddings I have this summer. I want to just take some time to be with myself and not spend it writing up online dating profiles and rating men all the time. I need a break. That shit gets exhausting. Plus, I've spent very little time in SF in single, not-dating, and not-trying-to-date mode. I have a ridiculously full life and maybe I need to just stop for a minute and focus on that. There's still a lot I want to get done.

Wow, that feels shockingly mature. I like it.

things i'm excited about this weekend.

I have an abbreviated weekend due to my last-minute trip to Montana on Sunday afternoon (gotta love life as an event planner), but even in the short timeframe, there are lots of fun things in store!

• Seder! OMG, you all know I love me some Jewish culture. SM is having her annual feminist, humanist seder (so San Francisco, I love it!) and I cannot wait. Horseradish and matzoh! Huzzah!
• Senior Year Roommate is in SF, so I'm hoping that sometime on Saturday, we will get to play! I don't think I've seen her since her wedding, so it will be nice to catch up.
• L (of L&S) is having a birthday drinking extravaganza at one of my favorite bars. She also wants everyone to get laid. I'm not sure if I will get laid, but I welcome any and all opportunities to do so, so I'm excited. Plus, it's L's birthday! Yay! Love L!
• Girls premieres on HBO. Yes, I know it's seriously over-hyped and it probably will not have any black or brown people in it, but damnit, I'm still excited to see a show that speaks to me on some kind of level. I am a narcissistic, confused girl living in a major metropolitan area and trying to do something with my life. I've also made some godawful life choices, mostly around men and alcohol. I think it will at least be entertaining to see some kind of representation of the depraved life I live on-screen.

Anyway, I'll probably be MIA until I get back from Montana. Wish me luck - it's like 20 degrees where I'm going!

therapy is seriously amazing.

I've been looking forward to this therapy session all week. I always discover things about myself when I'm in a session, even when I think I've already processed my emotions. Of course, this was the big breakup discussion and I'm happy to report that I feel even better coming out of it than I did going in. We talked a lot about what I learned from this relationship, as well as what I gained and how I felt. I do this thing a lot, where I care more about what the men think of me than of what I think of them. Being able to sit in therapy and go through all the doubts I had about the relationship felt really good. There were definitely red flags and I hate when you're so happy that you're blinded by them. Going through it all with my therapist helped me realize that maybe he wasn't the best partner and I should be happy that I learned that now before we got in too deep.

I also realized I have a lot of anger about the reasons he gave me for the breakup. He made me question my maturity and my lifestyle, which did not make me happy. Yes, I go out and I drink and I have friends who go out and drink and we get drunk and have a good time. Yes, I love making 'that's what she said' jokes and other inappropriate innuendos. Yes, I eat meals twice a day at work and never really cook for myself. I am messy and sporadic and I'm not Suzie Homemaker. It's just not a part of my life plan right now. I travel all the fucking time and I'm 26 years old. Despite all that, I like to think I'm pretty mature. I work a stand-up job for an amazing company, where I make enough money to live on my own in a full-sized one bedroom apartment in San Francisco. I pay my bills on time and I haven't taken money from my parents in 4 years (in fact, I've leant them money). I'm pretty fucking independent. So fuck you! ARG. Anyway...

I am wondering if he will contact me. I have dated a lot of boys and only one (POP) broke up with me and then never spoke to me again. Everyone else seems to pop up. I'm hoping that given the nature of our breakup and his age and supposed maturity, he will leave well enough alone, but I'm not sure. I guess I just have to decide how to respond, if he should reach out. Just hoping I don't have to go there.

ch-ch-ch-changes!

I am addicted to change. I love it, I crave it, and I embrace it whenever I can. The best part about a door closing is all the other doors you can open. I'm feeling okay about the breakup - I think I've made my peace with it. Not to say I'm not sad or nostalgic, because I am a little bit of both. I spent some time today on the bus reminiscing about our various dates and outings, but I'm not emotionally devastated. I don't feel like this is the end of my romantic life or that I'll never recover. I feel hopeful, actually. I feel like I needed this relationship to point me in the right direction - to guide me. I now have a pretty solid understanding of how I want to be treated, what I deserve, and what I'm worth.

I have a friend from work who calls herself my life coach and she helps me process through a lot of my feelings. She asked me yesterday if I was sad about losing the relationship or losing him. She says this is the first real adult relationship I've been in and that maybe I'm mourning that and not him as a person. She asked if there was anything special about him. To be completely honest, I think the things that I liked the most were the way he treated me and how hot things were bedroom-wise. I think I may have been slightly dickmatized because the sex was so amazing and he was so kind to me. When I think about him as a person and the things that make him unique, they were okay, but it wasn't anything I was over the moon about. My mother asked me what we had in common and I couldn't really think of anything besides our personality traits - both sarcastic, cynical types. I can certainly find someone else who will treat me like that, but who I have more in common with.

With that, I've been thinking about some life changes I want to make, since this is the perfect opportunity for reinvention and renewal. Here are some things I've been working on:

• Revamping this blog. I want to take this blog back to its roots. I reverted to a simple template and I want to get back to doing what I used to do well - writing about my life, analyzing it, picking it apart. Writing about what I see and what I feel and being true to myself.
• Renewing my interest in sex ed. I reached out to SFSI about a volunteer role there. I've been realizing that the places I've been focusing my attention haven't been helping me. I've been trying to be a sorority advisor, as well as the young alumni chair for my region, but to be honest, I could care less about it. Instead, I want to devote time and energy to something I care about.
• Writing. I've finally started outlining and putting ideas on paper for this memoir I want to write. I have a title and a lot of awesome themes. Even if it ends up being shitty, I want to be able to say I wrote something that meant something to me.
• Side hustling. I have an idea. A seed for something that could be awesome and make me money and also fix some of the things that bother me in my life. I'm not ready to talk about it, but I'm hoping it could grow into a business. I'm in the early planning stages, but I'm very excited.

Doors are opening. I can't wait.

fail again. fail better.

I initially had planned to write something else today, but I had some early morning inspiration. Every day, I have the same routine when I get into work. I come in, loop by the kitchen and grab some water and then walk to my desk. On the way in, I pass this huge whiteboard where people have written lots of quotes and drawn pictures. I see it every day, but for some reason this morning one stuck out to me - a quote by Samuel Beckett. "Fail again. Fail better." It kind of reminds me of what I'm going through right now with my relationship cycle.

I've been thinking a lot about the TOJ breakup and how to handle it and what to do, but I think the thought that gives me some semblance of comfort is that even though I failed yet again, I managed to fail better. I finally chose a partner that was good for me - a guy who has a good job, whose personality I clicked well with, and who treated me well. He cooked for me, brought me soup when I was sick, took me out to nice dinners, and never treated me with less respect than I deserved. He showed me what I wanted in a partner when it comes to communication and sexual experimentation. While we couldn't make it work and he didn't want to continue seeing me, it had nothing to do with something stupid I did or some character flaw. Sometimes things just don't work out.

With each step, I can feel myself getting closer and closer to my goal. I am dating better men as time goes on and I am learning about myself in the process. It's painful and it hurts to fail so much because every time it doesn't work out, I start to wonder what's wrong with me and why God doesn't seem to want me to have this. It's so easy for so many other people, but it's so difficult for me. I've thought through everything - am I just really fucking ugly? Am I too smart? Not smart enough? But, I know these are all the wrong questions to be asking. The fact is, this is the hand I was dealt, the life I was given. As long as I am learning more about myself and figuring out what I want, I have faith that I will get there eventually (even if I'm 75). All I can do is keep trying, work on making sure everything else in my life is what I want it to be, and knowing that failure isn't really failure if you learn something in the process.

Fail again. Fail better.

single again, part ii.

The theme of this weekend has been friends. I have great friends - both in SF and outside of it and I think that has really helped me this weekend. Immediately after being broken up with, I just knew I couldn't go home. If I did, I would cry and be upset and it would be awful. Of course, I tweeted about it because I love broadcasting all aspects of my life on social media sites =) Then, I called/texted a few of my closest friends in the city. SS&JK invited me over to their house to drink punch and vent. They made dinner and we sat and ate and drank and it was exactly what I needed. L&S came over after their dinner and JazzGirl too. It was just nice to feel loved and supported. It helped keep my mind off of things and allowed me to relax and feel a bit better about it all.

Then, I went home and I bawled my eyes out. I cried so hard for I don't even know how long. Not the typical quiet crying, but wracking, heaving sobs that had me collapsing on the floor. It was seriously dramatic. I asked God what I've been doing wrong and why I keep getting so close to what I want that I can see it and almost grasp it, but it's just outside of my reach. I asked God why none of my efforts have been rewarded and what on earth I could possibly do to find what I want. I like to think I'm a good person, a kind and caring person, who only wants to love and take care of someone and be loved and taken care of in return. After I finished with all that, I fell asleep, fully clothed. I kept waking up with tears in my eyes - I guess I don't just laugh in my sleep, but I cry too. It was a restless night, but it ended up okay.

Yesterday was more friend/family telephone time. I talked to College BFF and got to vent to her, which felt really nice. I talked to my mother on the phone for a long time. I've been shocked at how honest I am with her now and how good she is to me. She told me that I have to remember that I'm the special one and I need someone to treat me as such, someone who wants to claim me and be my boyfriend. She says I should take a break and work on me and when I'm ready, someone will come along. It was nice to have a real heart to heart with her. The rest of the day was spent with JazzGirl, L, and S. Brunch, lots of champagne, laying out in Golden Gate Park, Ferry Building drinks - the perfect day out. I started to get a little hazy towards the end, so I ducked out to come home and watch some TV. Talked forever to Slindy on the phone - nice to talk to one of my oldest, closest friends. Then bedtime. I slept really poorly and woke up at 3am, just heartsick. I managed to get to bed again around 6am and now I'm up trying to work and be productive. Had a really nice long convo with Senior Year Roommate this morning. I was really happy to hear from her and it was good to catch up. It sucks that this is how it has to go, but the whole breakup thing has showed me how awesome my friends are - the MCM high school crew, my sorority sisters, all my lovely work friends, pretty much everyone. They all have come out to support me and I'm letting them. It feels nice to let people console me. I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my world.

Part III tomorrow... more on my feelings about TOJ and what's next for me.

single again, part i.

Told ya. I knew TOJ was going to break up with me - I'm just psychic like that. I can't explain why, but he was just different when I was away and I could tell. I think when you're intimate with someone and you know them and you know their patterns (especially when they are as much of a consistent Virgo as you are), you just can tell when something is up. I'll give the basic rundown - he wasn't as communicative as normal. He avoided answering if he was going to stay over. Even his reaction to the racy pics I sent him was pretty mild and referenced the past, not the future. That was how I knew it was over.

We made plans for drinks after work. He left earlier than usual and picked me up. When I got in the car, he was on the phone with someone for work. He still kissed me and told me I looked beautiful and I got hopeful that maybe I was wrong. We get to the bar and he buys us two Dark and Stormies. We go upstairs and sit and he holds my hand and asks me how my week was. We talk and everything is fine. He goes down to get us more drinks and I think maybe everything is going to be okay. Then he comes up and launches into it. He says that we've been dating for a while and we're at the point where we'd need to decide if it's serious. Basically, he likes me - he thinks I'm amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, fun to be around, and the chemistry and sex is mind-blowing. But.

There is always a but. He just feels like something isn't clicking. He's not sure if it's my age - I'm 7 years younger than him and sometimes I make him feel like an old man. He says he felt really old hanging out with my friends. And that I don't "feel comfortable" going to the kinds of bars he likes. And that I don't like the kinds of music he likes and that's a big deal for him. He just didn't know what was wrong, but he can feel me getting closer. He says he can hear it in my voice and he wanted to spare me any pain that might happen down the road, even if he could see being with me for the next 6 months. He said it was really hard for him to tell me this because he was getting really excited about me and telling his friends about how proud he was to be with me and how great I was. He told me he thought about just trying to make me hate him, but that I deserve better than that and he wanted to tell me in person and to my face, not online. I respected him for that. I didn't really have a reaction because I just didn't know what to say. I was trying so hard not to cry and I just couldn't think, so I barely said anything. So that's that. We left the bar and he tried to kiss me - I tried to pull back and give him just a peck, but he was like "come on, CJ" and so we kissed and then he left.

Part II to follow...

four days in vegas has me exhausted.

And I didn't even do anything all that fun. Mostly just work and walking around looking at things and planning things. Event planning site visits are mostly a lot of walking around, talking, and arguing about which logistical ideas are better. We did this for four damn days. Jesus take the wheel because I am exhausted.

I feel a lot saner since getting home. I'm totally behind on work, unfortunately. I'm taking tomorrow off to get waxed and get a bridesmaid dress and then drinks (and maybe dinner... unclear) with TOJ. So no work will be done then. Guess I'm working the weekend.

I've been having freakouts the whole entire time I've been in Vegas that TOJ is going to break up with me tomorrow and that's the only reason why he wants to hang out. I know I'm being INSANE and that this is coming from nowhere. A huge thank you to JK, who listened to all of my nonsensical thoughts on this and then even read all my boring texts with TOJ to analyze them and tell me that I'm being a fucking nutjob, which is exactly what I needed in that moment. Now that I'm in my apartment, in my bed, I feel better. I'm not freaking out as much and whatever will pass will pass. I just need to calm the fuck down.

Okay, I have Mad Men, The Killing, and a Masterpiece Theatre to catch up on! Love my addiction to television =)

fun weekend!

This weekend was the first time I let TOJ meet my friends and I think it was a pretty successful outing overall. He came and picked me up and we drove over to The Riptide, this dive bar out near the ocean in the Outer Sunset for Bingo night with my awesome co-workers. It was interesting to see him interact in public - he's super friendly and introduces himself to everyone, whereas I'm very shy and like to be introduced to people I don't know. I drank a lot of whiskey and got kind of sleepy, but managed to pull it together and do a shot at the end of the game. He seemed to really like everyone and all my girlfriends thought he was really sweet. He gave me the appropriate level of PDA, enough that it was clear we were there together, but not so much that it looked like we needed to get a room.

After that, we went to dinner at Parkside Tavern. Burgers were yummy and I find my initial fears about us not having anything to talk about waning. I worry sometimes about monopolizing conversations and not having a lot of dialogue with the men I date, but he keeps up with me and conversations have become really easy. I also like that it's so apparent that we're dating when we go out to dinner or a concert or anything. I think I dated a lot of men who didn't like to touch me when we were out. Or who were awkward about it. It's not like that at all with him.

Following our dinner, we headed over to S&J's for their Bread Share party. OMG, so much good bread! And I've discovered that prosecco + sprite = amazing. I think I had like 4 of them. The party was fun - I love my drunk, inappropriate friends and TOJ didn't seem put off by the craziness at all. Post-party, we came home and got into bed. Of course, my stupid period had to ruin us sleeping together, but we still managed to have a good time. On a tangent, I love how I'm dating someone that really turns me on a LOT and yet we seem to have the worst luck with actually being able to sleep together. I'm leaving tomorrow for four days, so I guess I'm on my own for the next week. I guess that's what happens when you're a busy girl who travels a lot dating a busy guy who travels a lot.

I forced him to get up early and come to brunch with me at Zazie even though he hates brunch. He was pretty grumpy until I got some coffee in him, but to be honest I like the grumpiness. I'm super fucking bitchy about 75% of the time and so I don't mind his grumbling, especially since it wasn't directed at me.

Anyhow, I'm sickeningly, stupidly happy about him and I only hope he feels the same way about me. Already plotting all the racy photos I'm going to take for him while I'm in Vegas. When dating goes well, it's actually a lot of fun.