quick updates.

Holy shit! I have so much fucking work to do it's insane. I forgot how crazed I was before I left - I definitely did not finish everything I had to. Of course, coming in at 11:30am today was probably not the smartest thing to do, but oh well! I got to eat lunch with lovely Gremlin and catch up for a little bit. Now I'm trying to hustle and get shit done. I'm here til like 7 (ugh) so I guess I have a decent chunk of time to get stuff done.

In life updates, I texted FBI last night and he wrote me back. Now we are trying to make a plan for hanging out this week. Pray for me, people! I seriously need some male attention right now =P

in which i am ridiculously nostalgic.

I love going back to Brown. Something about Commencement is so soothing and makes me feel at home. We got to Providence kind of on the late-ish side (11am), since we screwed up the train from Boston, but it was nice to run around Pembroke campus again. The decision was made to immediately start drinking at Andreas. After that, we checked into our rooms and took a nap until it was time for acapella. I love me some acapella - boys singing songs will always be something I'm interested in checking out. After that was the 5 and 10 year reunion reception, where I was able to catch up with people I haven't seen in 5 years! Everyone is doing such interesting things and it's really nice to hear about what everyone has been up to. I keep in pretty good contact with most of my sorority sisters and close friends, so I love hearing about people that I wasn't as close with. Friday night was Campus Dance, which was a clusterfuck as usual. I was pretty tired around midnight, so after the singing part, I grabbed pizza and got into my bed.

Saturday, College BFF arrived, so there was more day drinking and chatting and catching up, along with the requisite hangover food. Nighttime, they had this dance where it was too dark and too loud to really catch up with anyone, so we left and tried to do the GCB, but the line was too long, so instead it was drinking out with College BFF's Republican friends. I pretty much stayed glued to the hip to this Marine, who was entertaining. He was easy to talk to and you know I love chatting with people whose life experiences are so different from my own. He graduated when I was a freshman and then enlisted. I totally would've slept with him, but I got the sense that wasn't where the night was heading (plus I had my period and neither of us had rooms to actually do anything in). So instead, we chatted until like 4 am and then I got a ride back from him and his friend to the dorm where we were staying. I miss chatting and flirting with boys - I don't get nearly enough of it in my normal life.

Of course, going to bed at 4:30am when you need to be up at 8am is stupid, and I paid the price the next morning. I was crazy exhausted and my stomach was in agony, so I ended up missing half of the march because I was ill. Ugh, boys plus booze equals bad life decisions. AND I didn't even have sex, so there's that. On the train home, I got so sad and nostalgic over Brown. I miss my friends and sometimes I miss the ease of life there and how exciting and fun everything was. Brown is really where I became the person that I am today and it's where I feel the most at home. It was nice to have a taste of it, but bittersweet to remember that it's over and life is a little more complicated now.

leaving on a jet plane!

AHHHH - it's here! The moment I've been waiting for all year - COMMENCEMENT/5 YEAR REUNION! Seriously, I cannot wait to be back in Providence, with all my lovely friends and sisters. I've already made my list of places I absolutely have to go before the weekend ends. I get to see my best friend, too! Yay! Also, since it's 5 year, there will be tons of people there and I'm kind of praying that I make some bad decisions. I need to have more fun. I really don't think words can express how much my alma mater means to me - seriously Brown has made me the person I am today and it was the best decision I have ever made, closely followed by my job and my second move to SF, of course!

So needless to say, I may be MIA on the blog for a bit while I do that and then I'll be in NYC for a few days (hopefully time to make *more* bad decisions) and then it's Connecticut for one of my sorority sisters' weddings! Cannot wait! This next week is going to be awesome =)

strip strip hooray!

Last night I went with a couple of girls to see Dita Von Teese's burlesque show, Strip Strip Hooray. It was fucking amazing! First of all, Dita is so tiny - her waist was like miniscule. I couldn't stop looking at it! The best thing about the show, though, was the diversity! The host was a transgendered male and he was funny as all hell. The show also featured a black burlesque dancer, a little person, two fuller-figured women, and a man, which was amazing! I'd never seen a man do burlesque before - he was so hot! It was just nice to see people in their own skin, loving their bodies and being incredibly sexy. The outfits were gorgeous (my fave was the hot pink sparkly cowboy outfit Dita wore, along with a pink mechanical bull) and the dancing was excellent. I basically left the show deciding that one day I'm going to take burlesque lessons and do a dance onstage. Another thing to add to the 30 before 30 list (guess I'll have to remove something)!

I've been feeling kind of shitty about my body lately, and I really just want to get to a place where I'm comfortable with my body shape and size. It seems like a burlesque class would be a good way to do this and could help me gain some more body confidence. All of the women onstage (and the dude) were so sexy and it was empowering to watching people who enjoy and revel in their bodies, instead of bending to fit into some preconceived notion of attractiveness.

Also, San Francisco is fucking awesome. The crowd was wild and it was the usual mix of freaks and geeks that SF is so well-known for. I love this city!

broke my bay to breakers virginity!

Sorry for not updating yesterday, but I was hungover and miserable after Bay to Breakers, as was most of the office. It was amusing to walk around and see everyone looking cracked out and tired. OMG I love San Francisco! Seriously - it's a really wild and crazy city, full of fun, open people and I love it! I typically tend to be kind of Oscar the Grouch-like when it comes to festivals and crowds, but I think SF is wearing me down.

I popped up bright and early at 7am. I live on the race route, so there were already people camped out, including a dude with a guitar. I got myself all dressed up - hot pink wig, pink angel wings, a pink garland in my (fake) hair, and hot pink tights with a pink mini skirt. I also slutted it up a bit with a hot pink push up bra, underneath a sheer white t-shirt, but I was modest and buttoned it up. Life Coach and her BF came to pick me up and we headed to Alamo Square, where we proceeded to get shitfaced on vodka-Gatorades and whiskey-lemonades. We met up with her boyfriend's friends who were crazy and a ton of fun. I greatly enjoyed seeing full-frontal male nudity, although most of it was attached to men old enough to be my grandfather. I also saw more cock rings than I've ever seen in my life. Throughout the day, the guys kept trying to get me to flash them because my boobs are awesome, but I'm a lady so I declined. We started drinking every time we saw a naked person and I was wasted by 9:45am. It was fucking amazing!

Of course, because I'm me, I started flirting with one of the guys there - we'll call him FBI because that's where he works. He is tall and muscular, with dark features and facial hair, which is totally my type. He started chatting with me and he lives in NYC, so we bonded about that. After watching every single group go by, the police sweepers came through, so we moved the party to my place, where I flirted with FBI some more, and also did an assessment of his personality - favorite books, favorite places to go out, etc. I also may have dared him to pee out of my window, but he didn't, so I think that's a good thing. After that, Life Coach and her bf left, so I was basically alone in my house with their friends. It was an interesting assortment of people - there was a married dude with four daughters (!!!). He was the most vocal about me taking my top off, not sure how I felt about that. Then FBI, and then Life Coach's boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend. There was also a 50 year old couple there - FBI's ex-girlfriend's mom and her boyfriend. So um yeah, not your average hangout. 

So this motley crew ended up going to Kezar pub and drinking more - Jameson on ice for me, so I could keep up with FBI. You all know how I get when I drink with boys, it's like I have to prove myself. So basically, homeboy kept flirting with me the entire time and all day he'd been telling me that I need to get together with him when I'm in NYC. While at the bar, he got my number and then texted me his, so the plan is to contact him when I'm NYC and see what's up. He seems like a total manwhore, but I wouldn't mind getting laid, especially by an FBI agent. I've been keeping it really hush-hush with Life Coach, since it's her BF's best friend and I don't want it to be weird. I also am like 95% sure that he will forget me and be like 'who is this chick texting me?'

I think it's been so long since I've had physical contact that I just need to screw someone. The whole day I was so on edge, especially since FBI was being crazy touchy-feely and all over me. I swear, if I don't sleep with someone during my Providence-NYC-Wedding Weekend, I will kill people.

bay to breakers weekend!

Super excited for this week to end - I've been a crazy ball of stress. I went to the dentist today and basically my tooth pain is coming from stress-induced teeth grinding. Yikes! I need to figure out my work situation, but until I can get that done, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend! I get to sleep in tomorrow and then I'll go shopping for reunion outfits and Jazzgirl will do my nails and it will be great!

Sunday, I'm participating in my first Bay to Breakers and I'm so excited! I feel like I never do any of the traditional San Francisco things because I'm dull and boring, so it's time to change that. For those of you not in the Bay Area, Bay to Breakers is a race from The Embarcadero to the beach. Obvi, because this is SF, it's not about the race, it's about the wild costumes, crazy nudity, and drinking, of which I will be partaking! I'm going to be a pink fairy - wig and crazy pink tights - and my drink of choice will be a camelback full of whiskey-lemonade! I'm meeting up with my life coach, her bf, and their friends at 8am in Alamo Square for drinking and frolicking. I will probably pass out by 12pm in my apartment. Cannot wait! I'm becoming a San Franciscan indeed!

my face is everything!

This title is non-sensical, as this post probably will be. I'm just in this crazy weird mood where everything is failing, but then something happy happens. First of all, can I say that I'm so happy that College BFF is going to be coming to Commencement! She wasn't going to come and now she is, and I'm extremely excited! I know the weekend will be even better now! Today has been a shitty day, so any good news is amazing.

I'm just tired and burnt out with work and I don't know if I want to be in my job anymore. I'm just having one of those days where I'm extremely unhappy with my work life and I don't know what to do. What I'd like to do is run the fuck away and go write in a hole for a couple of years. Instead, I will just keep on swimming, as per usual.

"you just love boys"

That was what Vest said to me after I told him I was back on the OKCupid wagon. Penis is king! Okay, as a feminist, there are so many things wrong with that statement and I know it's vulgar, but you all know how much I love dick. I just can't seem to give up the pursuit of it. I'm not going to say I'm back 100% just yet, because I know these things always fall through, but I got a message from a guy last night and even though his profile is kind of meh, he's pretty attractive so I'm going to try and see where we go from here.

Basically, not only am I a liar, I'm a shallow one. I know I said I was going to stay away from online dating and men for a bit, but it's hard when you're tempted. I felt like I couldn't just ignore him... that would be rude. Oh well... so far our convo is pretty benign - talking about baseball and where we're from. I appreciate the fact that he's being nice about it and not trying to screw me immediately. Although, he could totally screw me immediately.

This will probably all flame out - online boys are notoriously flaky, but I might as well give it a go!

i am not my hair... or maybe i am?

Friday night, I had a discussion that really irked and annoyed me. I've been toying with the idea of cutting my hair super short again, like how I did after my 24th birthday when I did the Big Chop. My hair was like half an inch long and it felt liberating and I didn't have to do anything with it, which was amazing. Lately, my hair has been pissing me off. I can't find a product that works 100% the way I want it to and it has been catching lint everywhere. I can't seem to get rid of the lint. Not to mention, my arms are tired of spending hours twisting it. I'm tired of dealing with my hair - I don't want to go back to chemically straightening it (or texturizing it), and weaves/wigs just aren't appealing to me. So, the simple answer is to chop it all off.

I polled a group of my friends on Friday at dinner and the general response was, "You can totally pull it off! Your head is so well-shaped for that, but..." And then, four separate people - a straight man, a gay man, and two straight women - told me that if I cut off all my hair men would be intimidated and not ask me out. Not because it would be unattractive, but because being with a girl who was liberated enough to essentially shave her head would not be appealing to them. WTF?! I know there is probably only one straight man reading this blog (if that), but really?! Is this really true? Can men really not handle dating a woman who doesn't have hair? I would've understood if the answer was "No, you'll look like shit or you'll look like a man" and that's why dudes wouldn't want to holler, but because it's intimidating?! Really?! Fuck life.

Someone else suggested that it could be a good weeding out mechanism, which makes sense, but I honestly like to believe that men wouldn't be emasculated by the choices I make with my hair. That seems so silly to me and makes me angry. Anyway, I just wanted to rant about something, so there you go. If there are any straight men out there who care to comment, please do. It would be much appreciated.

weekends are too damn short.

I can't believe it's 8pm on Sunday already! I haven't gotten too much done this weekend, but I had my apartment cleaned today so I feel better about life. Nothing on the floor, no dishes in the sink - everything is sparkling clean! I even managed to clear my DVR just in time to watch all my Sunday night shows. I spent this weekend having fun with friends. I'm getting better about making enough time for a social life but still giving myself some alone time to ensure I don't go batshit insane. It's all about balance.

This week, I'm hoping to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I made two doctor's appointments - one for my stomach and then the other is just my annual exam. I'm hoping I can figure out where this stomach pain is coming from. Also hoping to get back on the (semi) healthy wagon again. Walking to and from work, eating less crap - I will most likely fail, but I'll give it a try anyway. Need to make sure I can still fit into my bridesmaids dress for July =)

Two weeks until vacation - CANNOT WAIT.

reflections on my dating hiatus.

For the first time in a long time, I don't care about boys or dating or seeking out sex partners. It wasn't really a conscious decision, but after things ended with TOJ I just didn't have the energy to think about men. I thought it would go away and that I'd be my usual, optimistic self and jump right back on that horse, but I really have no desire. It's hard to explain. It's not my usual "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME" pessimism - I'm just kind of done with it all. I have faith that I will meet someone someday, but for now, I don't want to look. I'm tired of seeking it out, I just want it to happen and I have faith that it will. Sometimes I still log on OKC to stalk TOJ (no one has been messaging him... lol) and I love rating men, but I don't read anyone's profiles and I delete all the messages people send me. I'm just taking a little break.

I feel different this time. Mostly because it's not something I'm forcing on myself, it's just how I feel. The closer I get to achieving my romantic goals, the less urgency I have about it. I'm kind of like - it'll happen when it happens. I'm just going to do me and explore the interests I have. I've been writing again and doing my sex ed thing and reading a ton. Going out with friends and enjoying my life. There just doesn't seem to be as much pressure to find a partner. As far as sex goes, sure I'd love to be having more of it (or any of it for that matter), but I'm not dying to get laid anymore. I feel this really nice sense of calm and peace right now. I'm okay with where I am and it feels great!

random thoughts as i writhe in pain.

Working from home is awesome. I love my bi-weekly therapy sessions, although I have no idea what I want to talk about this week. Maybe my discontent at my job. Maybe the fact that I can't decide if I'm at peace or annoyed with the fact that I'm not getting laid right now. Maybe my ridiculous stomach pains that are starting to get worse. Arg, I don't know!

Anyhow, I am starting to get crazy excited for reunion. I miss Providence SO much - I already have a huge list of all the shit I have to do in the 2.5 days I'll be there. Creperie, Kartabar cocktails, GCB, Campus Dance. I miss college so much sometimes that it's painful. I'm excited to relive it for a weekend! Plus, I get some New York time afterwards and then a wedding. Only two more weeks!

Last night, I went to Wicked Grounds to meet the board of the organization I'm volunteering for. It's a kink-friendly, BDSM cafe. Sadly, there were no massages or human pets there that evening, but I still had a fun time. I think this whole sex ed volunteer thing is going to be ridiculously good and healthy for me. I met two of the board members last night - this cute couple. They are so sweet! It was nice to get out and do something different from the normal routine. I kind of want to take this year to really do the things I want to do and explore. Doing things that make me happy and help me grow! It'll also give me more stories!

Finally finished Fifty Shades of Grey. Meh. Not all that impressed. I just wasn't compelled by it at all. Some of the sex stuff was hot, but after learning all about BDSM and kink in class, the book seemed kind of fetish-lite. Sometimes I do fear that all this sex ed stuff is going to jade me. I've seen and heard a lot of things most people will probably never get any kind of exposure to. I'm still going to read the other two books, though. Because I'm a pop culture whore who needs to be on top of everything.

Anyway, just needed a little distraction from work. Back to the grind =)

30 Before 30!

I am a crazy, OCD list-maker and College BFF reminded me that I don't have a 30 Before 30 list! What have I been doing?! So, since I'm bored and don't feel like reviewing these menus for my event, I'm going to blog about this instead! Here are the top 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.

1. Fall in love (yes, I know I'm a fucking sap, but I've never been in love, so that might be nice).
2. Start my own business.
3. Buy myself a sapphire ring (my future husband can buy me the canary yellow diamond haha).
4. Spend a month in a foreign country.
5. Pay for my parents to go somewhere.
6. Curse someone out who deserves it.
7. Write a book.
8. Become internet famous (this will probably not happen, but damnit, I'm going to try!)
9. Figure out how to deal with my hair in a way that makes me happy.
10. Teach a sex ed class.
11. Have a threesome (German-style, please. That would be MMF).
12. Own a house or condo.
13. Be fluent in Russian.
14. Become the Tristan Taormino of oral sex (Googling her is def NSFW. She's basically the expert on all things anal sex).
15. Have an article published online or in print.
16. Make a book of all my blog posts through the years.
17. Go to Hawaii.
18. Learn the Thriller dance.
19. Perform the Thriller dance.
20. Plan a party on Alcatraz island.
21. Get rid of my credit card debt.
22. Pay off my student loans.
23. Have a g-spot orgasm (I should probably create a whole separate sexual list).
24. Run a marathon.
25. Learn how to sail.
26. Public nudity. This is one of my biggest fears - I want to conquer it and I live in San Francisco. This should be easy.
27. Get glamour shots taken.
28. Go to a kink party.
29. Take a solo trip to another country.
30. Get comfortable with my body, in whatever form that may take.

i'm still hungover.

And it's 8pm... ugh. Needless to say, it was a fun weekend! I actually managed to have self-control on Friday night - stayed in and read, wrote a bunch, and twisted my hair. Saturday was Kentucky Derby brunch with JK - bottomless mint juleps! After that, we did The Avengers at the Kabuki. After the mint juleps and two glasses of wine, I was shitfaced. The movie was awesome - I'm pretty sure it wasn't just the alcohol. Although, every time I closed my eyes everything would spin. Finally tried out Little Star Pizza in the Mission and I kind of loved it. I mean, it's not New York pizza, but it's pretty fucking good. I just may have to go back. After that, drinks in the Mission and then up to North Beach for a co-worker's party. Drank too much tequila there, but I had a really great time chatting with the work girls. Filled them in on my latest existential crisis at work. Rediscovered my love of being social.

So after all that bourbon, wine, and tequila, I'm still feeling it. I did brunch with MB at Nopalito and that kind of helped, but I still feel like shit. Luckily, it's a light week at work, so maybe I'll come in a little later and leave a little earlier. Goal for this week is to get my ass back in the gym and to get back to my healthy eating routine. Less than three weeks til Commencement, not to mention all the weddings this summer. I need to get down to my fighting weight.

I'm really in too much pain to write anything coherent, so I'm going to go back to my Sunday TV marathon in the dark. The lights hurt too much =(

pondering celibacy.

Yes, I know. I like to randomly yell out about how I'm celibate in the middle of pizza parlors in the Upper Haight and then like two weeks later, I'm screwing someone again. I also tell all my friends I'm celibate when they ask me what's up with my love life. However, despite my joking, I heard an interesting take on celibacy last weekend and it has me thinking.

While I was volunteering at the sex ed class, they had their relationships panel, with a representative from different lifestyles - asexual, "slutty," polyamorous, monogamous, single, and then there was a celibate speaker. The thing that struck me so much is that I know her personally and I know that she enjoys sex and has a very active presence in the kinky community. So to hear that she takes time out after the end of a relationship to be celibate was really eye-opening for me. I think most people think of celibacy as some strange life choice people make due to religion, a strict upbringing, or just general prudery. Listening to my friend speak on it, it was more about empowerment and choice and connecting with yourself. She's done stints of celibacy that were 6 months and some that were 4 years. It was a chance for her to recharge her batteries (tee hee) and really get over the end of a relationship. She also mentioned she's done stints of celibacy where she didn't even masturbate. Complete and total lack of sexual release.

Well, I know that's not for me. I'll just put it this way - the best sexual partner I've ever had in my life is ME and I love myself too much to give that shit up, so that will not be happening. However, it's intriguing to think of the notion of celibacy and whether or not it's something I want to pursue. Ever since I've graduated from college, I've been in and out of somebody's pants pretty regularly. I think the longest I've gone without sex in that period is a couple of months - especially since my recent move to SF. I mean, I got here and like two weeks later slept with the Russian. Then, I got involved with The Blexican a couple of months after that. Once we ended, I went on to POP. After POP, I consoled myself in NYC with J. Then I came back and got with TOJ. Not a lot of time in-between partners.

I'm just really sexually charged, which makes it so difficult. I love having sex and I love having stories to tell. Let's face it - stories that involve sex are the best kind out there. As I get older, and more and more people are settling down and shacking up and I'm being left behind, most of what I have is my stories. If When I get married, I'm not going to be able to blow some random guy in Dolores Park and then where will I be? Whatever will I write about? How will I continue to be interesting? So, I want to rack up those points as best I can. I started late - I need to catch up.

All joking aside, I'm going to give this celibacy thing some thought. I think it could be useful for me to reconnect with myself and to reframe how I view sex and sexual activity. I think it's time for me to change some of my ways. I want to make sure that when I'm having sex, I'm doing it for the right reasons and I'm making decisions that resonate with who I am and who I want to be. Maybe some time for reflection could be good.