love/hate relationship

I am definitely in the middle of a love/hate relationship with my job. I'm actually having a lot of fun this week. I love large events - this is our biggest conference of the year and it opens tomorrow and I'm stoked. I'm exhausted beyond belief and have to be at the conference center at 6:30am tomorrow, but I'm loving every minute of it. Being onsite gets me going and it's amazing! I actually feel like this week may restore my faith in event planning as a career profession. But.

Of course there's a but. There's this bitch at my job that I cannot STAND. I just cannot stand her. It reminds me of the Chris Rock bit - "Every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand. You turn that into some Dynasty shit, like 'She's trying to destroy me!'" I know I'm exaggerating and everything, but homegirl is trying to ruin my life and I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHY. I swear to God if she looks at me sideways, I'm going to get so fucking ethnic on her. I just don't like her and I don't want to ever work with her and so I'm PISSED OFF that she's part of my staffing plan tomorrow. I kind of just want to tell her to go the fuck home because I'd rather do shit myself. I just literally cannot stand her. I don't even want to get into what happened today, but it involved an email thread with other people on it and her accusing me (indirectly and passive-aggressively) of gossiping about her schedule. OMG, I can't fucking take fake ass people. If you're mad at me, seriously, just fucking tell me. Don't beat around the bush and send whack emails. I don't want to play games with bitches - just be real with me and I'll respect you. UGH. Anyway, I'm getting heated just thinking about it, so I'm going to calm down, wash and twist my hair, and let that shit roll off my shoulders.

Okay, game face on - event tomorrow!

on not searching.

For the first time in about five years, I am officially out of the dating/dealing with men/dating men/sleeping with men scene and I feel amazing. Not expending energy on finding a man, keeping a man, or fucking a man feels really damn good. For the past five years, I've turned into this woman that I don't recognize - hunting around for dates, dealing with male drama, and getting emotional over people who aren't worth my time. I'm officially over it and there's something liberating about it.

You might not know it from reading this blog, but I used to not give two shits about men. Pretty much up until I turned 21, I was kind of scared of them. I mean, I thought some were hot for sure and had my own little fantasies, but I basically ignored them. Men tried to date me, I laughed and smiled and kindly moved it along. Then, somehow, after a while I started to feel this pull to trying to lose my virginity. I crossed that off my list and then it was all about hooking up. From there was the downward spiral of dating, where I just wanted to be with someone so badly that I ran around SF and NYC (mostly SF, though) like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find The One. It's exhausting and ultimately not really worth it for me. So I'm throwing in the towel. I'm The One - I, Cleopatra Jones, am insanely in love with myself and I don't care about men. I'm declaring this shop closed for business for the foreseeable future. The thought of even attempting to date someone makes my skin crawl. Sadly, I don't even really feel like screwing anyone. I'm always going to have a little bit of a boy-crazy streak, so I look at boys and assess them and I'm sure if one tried to mack it to me, I might let him, but I'm kind of over it. No more online dating, no more stressing over dick. CJ 3.0 - FOREVER ALONE. I'm kind of okay with it.

In the words of my best friend on earth (stolen from the Notorious B.I.G.) - "fuck bitches, get money." I think I'm going to chase dollar bills for a little while. Screw dating.

career dilemmas.

I am an idiot. I went to sleep at 6pm-ish and then woke up at 9, so of course it's almost 2am and I'm still up and cooking dinner for myself. Complete idiot. Anyway, it's been a loooong day. I'm still recovering from this week's event and our biggest event of the year is next week. So not looking forward to it - I mean, it'll be fun and I'll probably get to check out some hot developers, but it's going to be a lot of manual labor. That part won't be fun.

I've been thinking a lot about my career choices and what my next move is. I have three options right now, best case scenario (since for all I know the two jobs I'm interested in might hate me). I can stay in my current event planner role, I can look into the University Programs job, or I can look at the Program Manager role. I'm just not really sure what I want. There are so many factors at play. I want an exciting job. I love that I get to travel and do really awesome shit at an amazing company. I like that my job is "cool," even though it's a lot less glamorous than people think. I kind of want to keep a lot of aspects of the role - the travel, planning parties, etc. I also want to be promoted. I hate that I've been so stagnant at work with my growth. Taking the events job set me back in that way and while I was okay with it 18 months ago, now I'm really not so sure that I am. I also want a job where I think I can excel and do well. I want to know that I can be close to the best at something. Beyond that, I want to feel passionate about my work.

It's been a tough period of soul-searching for me and I'm still not sure where I net out on everything. Each job has pros and cons and I don't know which direction I should go in. I want to try and think more long-term as I strategize my next move. I'm not sure I want to be an event planner forever. I mean, there's a part of me that would like to set up my own operation and have more freedom and creativity and also the ability to do non-corporate events. Maybe if I was in that space, I'd be happier. In that case, sticking with my current job is the way to go, as I'd gain more knowledge and understanding of the industry and could build a reputation. The recruiting job sounds amazing - I'd still get to travel and I'd be doing diversity recruiting, which as a black/Puerto Rican woman working at a tech company is super important to me. However, the growth potential and the promotion opportunities might be limited. So that's an issue. I think I'm ultimately going to pass on the program manager role. I just know it won't be enough for me. It'll be taking a step back, like how I felt on my old team. While there's the chance for promotion within that role, I just don't think going back to the 9-5 desk job is really going to work for me.

Oh well, at least one decision has been made. I'm still incredibly interested in the recruiting role and after talking to Vest, I feel better about the promotion issue. So now I wait to hear if they are interested in speaking with me. In the meantime, I have plenty of work to keep me busy =)

man today was rough.

I did so many things I dislike doing today, including falling even further behind on my work. I also drove, which was terrible. I hate driving. I know it's a useful skill and all, but it sucks. It sucks so much, especially highways. Not looking forward to having to drive back to San Francisco tomorrow in Mountain View commuter traffic. This event may end up being craptastic, too. I can't say I really care much. I'm kind of over everything. BUT, in good news - the job I'm interested in is open to California applicants as well. So yay! I'm meeting with the recruiter on Friday and I'm nervous as hell. I've already seen a bunch of people interested in the role and I hate competition. I like to be sneaky - get in early and get it before anyone else sees. I'm also nervous because I'm going to have to tell my boss and team how I'm feeling about my job. It's terrible timing, honestly, with our *major* event happening soon. However, I gotta do what I gotta do. I just don't know how to say it. It's crazy because I've transferred before - this shit isn't new to me - but it's still so hard. Maybe because I feel friendly with my manager and I like her and I don't want her to think it's a reflection on her. I just know that I'm not built for this and I'm starting to burn out and it's not worth it.

I need a change.

insanely bad day.

Jesus take the wheel - I do not know how much longer I can do this shit. Today was just ridiculous - I don't have time to get into it right now, but my job is killing me on so many different levels. Today, I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to fly back to San Francisco. Flew back to a ton of work and missed emails and shit. I have an event on Thursday that I don't feel prepared for and my co-lead is now being hospitalized, which has me incredibly worried. I practically was in tears on the phone with her and I'm praying for her and her baby. My job is making me want to pull my hair out and we have the event this week and next week is our huge developer conference. I just don't know what to do anymore. The work will get done and done well - it always is, but I just don't know how invested I am in it anymore. To top that off, I have to drive tomorrow and I hate driving. It gives me panic attacks practically. And then the job that I was interested in got posted and it's in Atlanta or DC, so basically I know it ain't gonna work out because I don't want to move. Oh yeah, and then I sat in on a FREAKING TWO HOUR LONG board meeting til 9:30pm. FML.

bo-ring.

I'm kind of bored with life right now, but in a weird way. I'm not miz or anything - I'm actually quite happy - but I just feel like nothing is going on, hence me not writing as much. I'm job searching like crazy, but other than that, things are pretty stagnant. I get up, go to work, come home, hang with friends/volunteer/watch copious amounts of DVR, go to bed, and then repeat. Throw in some traveling for events for good measure and that's my life. It's oddly calm and you know how much I like action and excitement, so I feel a little bit dull.

I deleted my OKCupid profile the other day. Thank goodness! I'm not really in the mood to be man-hunting right now. I did take one last look at TOJ's profile and he lives in Oakland now. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Outside of that, I just don't really feel like putting in any effort when it comes to men. If shit falls in my lap, that would be awesome, but I'm not looking for anything. I'm too tired. I don't know how women do this shit for long periods of time. I couldn't even make it to 30 without throwing in the towel, so kudos to everyone else who clearly has more patience with it than I do. I'm not even that sexually frustrated. Maybe I'm dying? =)

I'm going to Montana tomorrow and I've been useless today. I was in a bad mood this morning about something and my plans changed so I went to Booksmith and did a Whole Foods run instead of the brunch/movie plans. Now I'm packing up some clothes for tomorrow's 9am flight. Fuck me! Who wants to fly at 9am on a Sunday morning, especially when there's a party tonight? I sometimes think my job is deliberately trying to test my nerves.

Anyhow, I should probably clean up my apartment before I get little critters running around. Happy weekend!

tales from the job hunt.

Job hunting really is a beast. I don't know why I thought it would be easy or quick, because this is clearly going to be a process. Right now, I'm basically applying to any and all things in a desperate attempt to change the course of my career. Of course, an overwhelming sense of doubt is starting to creep into my thoughts. Am I going about the search the right way? Am I leaving for the right reasons? Should I be more strategic in how I approach this? I'm not really sure how to answer those questions.

I struggle with what's really important to me from a career perspective. I'm frustrated by the fact that I've only been promoted once in my 5 years at the company, and I think that's starting to get to me more than I thought it would. I know had I stayed in my old role, I would've gotten a promotion by now and with it, more money and a better title. I thought those things didn't matter to me, but when I look at the uphill battle it's going to be to get promoted on my current team, I just know I don't have it in me to wait any longer.

I keep talking about being strategic and thinking about what a good next step in my career is and yet, I'm not sure applying all willy-nilly to jobs is the best way to achieve that (yes, I said willy-nilly). This is the fundamental argument I have with myself about almost every issue - is it better to painstakingly plot out a course or should you drift along and be open to more opportunities. I'm not really sure. Drifting has gotten me some pretty awesome things - a really cool job at an amazing company, meaningful life experience. I just worry that I'll wake up one day and be 40 and have no idea how I got to where I am. That's all well and good if I end up happy, but I don't know what the correlation is between aimlessness and happiness.

In the meantime, while I grapple with these issues, I guess I just have to hope that things will turn out as they are meant to be. Out of the four roles I'm interested in, one is off the table, so now I have the other three to focus my energy on.

random updates.

I don't really have anything interesting to add to the discussion today, at least not in a coherent narrative, so here are some random highlights/updates!

• I have my eye on four separate jobs. This feels insane - I'm not really sure I'm being strategic anymore, I'm just throwing shit at the wall and hoping it sticks. Will re-evaluate when I hear back from all four.
• I signed up for a screenwriters workshop, where I will bring my material to read in front of the group. SUPER NERVOUS, but I'm trying to get serious about writing.
• I'm behind in life - house is a mess, room is a mess, haven't unpacked from the East Coast, and there is no food in my house
• I am behind at work - let's not even talk about how I have an event next week that I am so not prepared for and I have no motivation either.

Womp womp. I am really only writing this because I don't want to do work. Check back tomorrow for something more meaningful! 

exactly what i needed.

This weekend has been perfect - just what I needed after a long week of soul-searching about my job and settling back in from my trip back East. The weather has been GORGEOUS here in SF, which has greatly helped, as well as seeing all of my amazing friends. I know that I'm on the path to being truly happy the more I stay in SF. Even when things are shitty, I just feel this sense of calm here that I never felt in New York. It's a rare thing for me to feel settled in any way - I thrive on change and drama, but I think the one constant in my life right now is my love of this city and the desire to stay here (well, Bay Area at least) for what I'm hoping is the rest of my life.

Friday night was hotpot, which was fun, albeit a little bit awkward since we went out with some people we don't know very well. It was really nice to walk home - I need to start incorporating more exercise in my daily life and I think walking is going to have to be it. Yesterday, we went to Napa - L&S, JazzGirl and I. SO MUCH FUN. We did the Castello di Amoroso tour and tasting, followed by Robert Mondavi and the Laird Family Estate. I bought three bottles of sweet wine, which makes me very, very happy. We decided to hire a car and driver, so everyone could drink and have fun. It was definitely the right decision, and I had a blast drinking and singing in the car with my favorite SFers. I want to start exploring California more - if I'm going to live here, I'd like to get more familiar with the state and it's so damn beautiful!

Today will be cupcakes and margaritas at our friend's birthday party for her dog, followed by Prometheus! I know I'm not going to get as much done around the house as I wanted, but I think it's worth it to get out there, hang with friends, and be social. I have some major hermit tendencies that I have to overcome and I struggle with finding the balance between 'me time' and 'friend time,' but I need this social interaction right now to keep me sane. Then, later tonight I will work on my resume, since I've heard back about two of the roles I'm interested in. I am really going after this job thing hardcore. It's time for me to learn a new set of skills and grow more in my career. I'm gonna put my game face on, stop being modest, and sell myself and my accomplishments. I'm hoping by mid-July to have a new role, so I need to get cracking!

Happy Sunday, everyone!

a quick note.

I checked out the Django Unchained trailer yesterday, the new Tarantino film with Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington. It's basically about slavery and vengeance, to keep it simple. I love Tarantino movies - they are violent, bloody spectacles that are over the top in just the right way. I could watch Inglourious Basterds a million times, same goes for Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2. Of course, because this movie deals with slavery, relationships between black women and black men, and the black female body, there is going to be a lot of scrutiny of Tarantino as a white filmmaker telling black stories. I felt guilty even posting the trailer on my G+ account because I didn't want to invite any commentary.  I wanted to just present a trailer for a movie that I will definitely see and most likely enjoy.

It is really fucking tiring being a minority sometimes, especially a black feminist woman. I wish I could just enjoy things without thinking of the ramifications of what they mean to my culture or my gender. Sometimes I get so tired of analyzing everything and what it means and whether I "should" enjoy it or not. I understand the need for critical cultural analysis, but I hate feeling burdened by it ALL THE DAMN TIME. Anyway, I just wanted to rant about that for a hot minute. As you were.

motivation.

This whole job search thing has me really revved up and motivated. I really hope I find something that works for me, but I'm happy because it's really giving me the opportunity to look at what I want. I took some time yesterday to do some brainstorming about what skills I have, what skills I want to develop, and where I want to be. I don't think I've been very strategic about my career thus far. I've done a lot of falling into things - I fell into my current company and I fell into HR. Now, I need to be decisive. I decided to move to California and it was a gamble that paid off. I decided to move into Events and it seems like this may not be the best bet for me. I'm learning and growing and moving on. That's all I can do.

I'm not really sure where I want to go, but I think that's a good thing. I honestly don't know if I'm ready for a true career yet. I think I just want to find as many jobs as possible that can build some key skills that I can take with me when I decide I want to strike out on my own. I want to build up my network and I think moving around the company is a perfect way for me to do that. I know that I'll learn no matter where I go, but I want to think about what skills I will need to be a successful entrepreneur, build those, and then narrow down my focus and go for it.

I'm getting excited!

today was one of those days...

...where I question if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Work is getting on my last damn nerve and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've worked at this job for 18 months, so I know I can leave when I want and I'm not bound by any rules, but I guess I just have this feeling of guilt about leaving again. I often wish I was one of those people who just knew what they wanted instinctively and never made mistakes or needed to explore options. I have friends who knew what they wanted to be when we were in high school and now they're out there being that person. My journey has been a bit more trying than that.

I am a late bloomer always. Everything about my past suggests this. I constantly make poor choices the first time around. My friends from earlier in my life were terrible for me. It took me until I was 14 to actually make a good friend. I just can't seem to figure my shit out at the beginning of anything. I was a hot and holy mess my first two years of college and I didn't really come into my own until I was a junior. Even at work, it took me a while to hit my stride. Let's not even talk about my relationships and boys. I remained chaste and unkissed until I was 21 years old. Let me repeat that - I didn't kiss a boy until I was 21. And no, I'm not wildly unattractive. I'm just... fucked up, I guess. It's like life just needs to knock me down a few times before I can get up and do the right thing.

San Francisco finally feels like home and that's great. I've found a city I love, an apartment I love, and friends (both at work and outside) that are amazing. I love everything about this city and my place in it, with the exception of my abysmal love life and (now) my job. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and it's brutal. Especially since I grew up thinking I'd be a lawyer until maybe 3 years ago. I also feel like an asshole for feeling restless because I know that I have it good, but I'm still not fulfilled. I'm not really sure a person like me knows how to be happy. I crave too much change and I get too restless about everything to really ever feel content.

So I'm hunting. Job hunting to be precise (the man thing is just too tiring right now). This blows.

slowly readjusting to real life...

I am still crazy exhausted from my east coast trip, but I'm trying to get it all under control. I had an amazing reunion dinner with friends last night, which was fun. I miss my SF peoples when I am away! The rest of the week looks good - I'm having drinks with a new SF transplant on Thursday (I hope she's cool!) and then a Napa trip with the Y Crew this weekend. Work has been... well, busy. I have so many events on my plate right now and it's insane. I've lost a lot of the spark I initially had about what I do, which worries me.

I plan on talking a lot more about my job restlessness tomorrow, but it's definitely been part of what's preoccupying my mind. I wonder if I'll ever figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up too much, since most people my age have had multiple job changes by this time. That doesn't make me feel any better about not knowing what I want out of life, though.

I need to get back into an exercise groove soon, so I can lose some weight. I'm trying to eat better and drink less, which is going okay so far. I just really need to amp up my fitness - walking to work, hitting the gym. I feel like I want to be selfish for a little bit and focus on myself and making myself better. Reading, writing, buying things that make me happy. Nice little touches to improve my life. I'm hoping to be in an even better place at the end of the year than I am now. I'm pretty happy with most aspects of my life at the given moment - just need a little push to make some more advances.

so excited to get back to SF!

I know that I love SF because every time I'm away, I'm just dying to get back. It was SO awesome seeing everyone and getting to reconnect with my East Coast friends, but I miss my apartment and my West Coast contingent. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but who is?

The wedding last night was so amazing! It was really cute and quaint and I loved the New England feel. The church was adorable and the reception was a ton of fun. I got wayyy too drunk on Makers and Ginger Ale (forgot how easy Makers goes down), but I had fun dancing it up all night. I love weddings because it's guaranteed dancing all night. I danced with this one cute tall kid, who lives on Long Island, but nothing came of it. Oh, well... guess my dreams of meeting my soul mate are dashed again! I got crazy shitfaced at the bar afterwards and had to leave to go order a Dominos pizza, which I ate half of alone in my hotel room trashed out of my mind. KEEPIN IT CLASSY, as per usual! I had a really fun time hanging out with my friend MD, who I clearly should've known in college, because I think the two of us could really do some damage if we lived in the same city. She's kind of reinvigorated my desire to party more and circulate and meet people. Hopefully, I can carry that spirit back home with me to SF. I think I was gChatting some drunken nonsense to Vest last night - I'm scared to read my chat history!

It does feel nice to return to reality, though. I really missed my SF crew while I was gone. I love them all! My week is pretty open, so hopefully I can get some rest and see some people. I'm feeling the need to be social =)

restless.

I feel so freaking restless right now about everything! In sad news, no nookie for me this week from FBI. Blame conflicting schedules. There was a chance it could've happened tonight, since he'll be "out and about" and wants to "link up," but I'm doing the Long Island thing tonight so no dice!

<<< spoiler alert if you haven't seen last week's Mad Men >>>

ANYWAY. Restlessness. I don't know - I just want change and I feel like I'm on the cusp of something major in my life. I don't know what it is - work, life, relationship, whatever - but I just feel the winds of change blowing (lol... yes, I realize I sound like an idiot) and I'm excited. I haven't been able to sleep much. I've been thinking too much about my job and what else I can do to be happy. I watched Mad Men earlier in the week and the moment where Peggy Olson leaves SCDP just spoke to me. I'm not saying I want to leave my company (I love them and I don't want to leave), but I know I need some kind of change. Another role or another company. Thankfully, the one thing I do know for sure is that I love San Francisco. Being here in NY for the past week has taught me that. I really have absolutely no desire to spend any particular length of time in NYC. I mean, it's nice to come back for a little while, but I couldn't live here again. I just know I couldn't.

So, here I am stuck. Thinking about my options and weighing the pros and cons. I don't know if I'm strong enough to just leave and start anew. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a late bloomer. I wish I could just know what I want to do and do it and not worry about anything anymore. I envy all those people who are doing what they said they would do when they were 10, while some of us flounder and struggle. Maybe one day I'll know what I want to be when I grow up (assuming I ever grow up, which seems unlikely at this moment in time).

Oh, well.