wedding weekend seattle!

Just got back this afternoon from a wonderful wedding weekend in Seattle for one of my oldest friends, SS! It was such a fun weekend, I can't even really describe it. I've been going to a lot of weddings lately - I'm at that age where people are starting to pair off and get serious - but there's something so different about going to a wedding of someone you've known since you were young. I felt the same way when I went to my high school friend's wedding in Israel - it's just different somehow. There's this emotion and history that doesn't exist with my college or post-college friends.

I've known SS since the 8th grade - so it's been like 14 years. I remember all the nerdy things our group of friends did back in high school and I remember the people we used to be. That just makes it all the more special when you watch them do real-life adult things, like get married. There's something so nostalgic about it and the gravity of the situation is so much more apparent. We are not children anymore, we're all growing up and life is changing and it's scary and exciting and new. I was so honored to be a part of the bridal party and to stand with my friend as she embarks upon this journey with her new husband. All of the past 14 years flashed by - proms, nights spent hanging out at various people's houses on Long Island, graduation, weekends home from college, our insane email threads that have gotten us through internships, breakups, new relationships, and life changes. I am happy that I still have people in my life who remember me when I was just this shy, gawky, nerdy girl who had no idea who she was as a person. I'm glad that they still want me to be present for the exciting things that are happening in their lives. That really means something to me. I love watching my friends grow up and come into their own. It's such a blessing that we have continued to remain a close part of each others' lives. I can't wait for the next high school wedding =)

fired up!

I don't know why I have so much energy - I got up at 5:30am today to ensure I made my 9am meeting on time. I'm only working on 3 events right now, which is amazing! One of them is in 2013, the other one is in October, so really I only have one that's pressing. I'm excited for it. It's nice to have my own project that I get to work on, without having too many cooks in the kitchen.

I had my interview this morning (and I have another one in 30 min) - it went SO well. Have you ever met someone that is just so nice it's like they radiate sunshine? Well, that's what it was like meeting with the woman who would be my future manager. She was just so unbelievably nice. You could tell that she loves what she does, loves her team, and would be an absolute joy to work with. No drama at all. I think the answers to my questions were really on point and she seemed to really like what I was saying. I have my interview with another teammate today and then if I pass Go, instead of collecting $200, I get to meet with the last real interviewer and then I do a 15 minute meeting with the head of the team. I'm super nervous about the last interviewer because this used to be her program. She's also super involved in the black community at our office, and I'm kind of a delinquent since I don't sit at headquarters and have a job that requires me to run around like a chicken with its head cut off. So I would need to come in and fucking blow her out of the water. On the bright side, the hiring manager did say that this week they are going to close up shop on the interviews and not take any more candidates. Apparently, they've had a lot of interest.

I think I have a lot to offer, despite some obvious limitations. I know I haven't gone to an HBCU, but my mother, uncle, and brother have and to be honest, I think having a fresh face could be really good. I know my company *so* well. Seriously, I've worked in and with HR, Marketing, Engineering, Sales - and I love this company. I would be honored to represent it and show students how much it means to me and what kind of opportunities exist here.

I want this SO badly.

so ready to slow down.

Thankfully, August is a slow month for me because I'm truly and completely exhausted. I've pretty much been resting and napping all day - I couldn't bring myself to go into work today and I have two big interviews tomorrow that I need to prepare for. Being an event planner is a really stressful job. It's funny because I've gotten a bunch of emails from people at my company who are like - "I really want to plan events! How can I get your job?" Honestly, I don't know how people work in this industry at my company for more than a couple of years without burning out completely. I am just really, really tired. I struggle when I think about leaving, though, because the perks can be so good. Then, I think about what I'm doing with my life and what I'm getting out of it and I'm not sure I can do it for much longer. I want kids, I want a husband, I want a family, and while I don't think my job is impeding me from that right now, I can see how it will when I'm ready to start dating again. I've watched my newlywed friend spend every single weekend (minus one) since her May wedding on the road and I see all the travel we do and the time spent away from our real lives and I can't help thinking that there's got to be a better way.

I want an exciting job - I can't push paper at a desk from 9-5. I just know that isn't for me. I like traveling and being away from my desk and the craziness of events life. I just need some more structure. I also need either less responsibility or a better title/salary. I am working too hard for too little and it is definitely starting to take its toll. I knew this career wasn't going to be easy, but I certainly hoped for more tangible growth, as far as recognition is concerned.

People think my job is glamorous, but in reality it's a lot of work, sleepless night, stress, and being pushed around by other people. We are the service industry at its finest. While I enjoy getting free tables, trips in private jets, and the chance to stay at cush resorts, I'm starting to think I value my sanity more. We'll see where that feeling takes me.

finally home!

I have never felt so happy to be back in San Francisco. I think that event took years off of my life, for serious. Luckily, our chairman is happy and the guests had a great time and it was awesome. I'll recap later, but for now thank goodness I'm home. Already did the obligatory Whole Foods run and getting ready to make myself a late dinner. On the plus side, short week this week - tomorrow I'm "working" from home. Tuesday, I have two interviews, so I'm not really going to be doing much but freaking out and preparing for them. Wednesday is the company Giants game and then Thursday I'm off to Shrutes' wedding! Yay! Short week!

In "this makes my job worth the pain" news, I got to ride in a private plane home from the event and I swear to God, I have a new life goal. I never want to fly commercial again. No TSA feeling me up, walking straight on the plane, amazing food, plush leather seating, free drinks. Sign me up for that, please! One of my friends needs to get rich soon, so we can live the balling high life!

Anyway, trying to get my booty to bed before midnight!

sometimes i wonder if i want to online date again.

And then I read this message I got a while back:

"hi i added you to my favorites list many months ago. did not hear back from ya, i was off okcupid for a few months so maybe i missed your response? jk. you must not be interested, thats okay. i have no idea what i am doing on this dating site. i never go on dates. i am super weird and i cry alot. i think i am a good person and I'm fun to be around. i am just some guy I am 36. i want to get married and i want to have children my biological(male) clock is tick tick ticking. i am looking for new friends people who i can talk about life with. i want everything to work out for everyone. what is the point of me reaching out to women on this site whom i don't know? i think it might be to find a girl to be with. of all the thousands of girls on this site there are probably only a few that i would get on well with. i don't know? i never date. i just work and surf and hang out with my cat, but my cat ran away :( 
my name is keith"


Yup, I'm good being single. No need to wade into that pool again...

montana.

Montana is beautiful, but exhausting. It's really the first time I've taken stock of how much responsibility I have at my job. It's not even the stuff that's happening onsite - that stuff is very minimal for me this event. It's everything that's worrying me back at the office. Our major conference next year, the one I keep getting more and more responsibility on. There's the conference in October that's fast-approaching and all the nagging work I have to do for that. A new event just landed on my lap today, but it's for a pretty exciting project and it's in August, so maybe this will be my last project *fingers crossed* I also have a bunch of random administrative shit to do.

This event has been rough on my body. We're here for 7 days and it's only day 2 and I feel exhausted. I worked until 2am last night and I'm hoping that tonight I can get some rest and avoid doing the same. I just really want to sleep and do absolutely nothing. Events are fun, but stressful as all hell and the folks at this venue are really not making it any easier on us.

On the bright side, the food here is amazing and I'm bonding with my team and meeting more folks at the company. I like traveling, even when it takes the wind out of my sails. Also, we've been stalking my boss' new fling-thing like whoa. It is amazing what you can find on the internet. One of these days, I'm going to start a private eye company. I really do have a knack for this =)

OKAY. Emails so I can go to sleep.

life updates.

I have been really silent lately, but there's been so much happening. My first interview went well, so I'm getting another one for a week from Tuesday. I'm really excited. I've been going through so much back and forth about this job over the past week. One day I'm like "OMG, my job is really cool and I should keep it! Look what I get to do - free unreleased tablets and access to executives and partying on the company dime!" Then the next thing I know, I'm researching the new position and falling more and more in love with it by the second. Here's a basic rundown of what happened and where I am

Last Monday, I told my boss. It was a really hard discussion to have with her, but it went really well. I just felt super guilty afterwards because I love her and view her as a mentor and an inspiration and I know that she won't want me to leave. She was super gracious, though. She offered to put in a good word for me (her old teammate is the lead of this team I'm looking at and so she knows them very well) and she says I should do what is best for me. She even thanked me for telling her! Which is insane because of course I would tell her - it was eating me alive not telling her. I'm not very good at keeping secrets from people I care about, especially when it affects them. I didn't want her to be blindsided by it. We had a long chat about everything - team dynamics, my extreme dislike for these women I work with, and my future. It was a great chat and gave me a lot to think about. She told me about changing my title and a promotion for the next year. All of it had me feeling unsure.

Then Tuesday came and it was more fuel to the "don't leave your job" fire. I had a meeting with our Chairman, where I got to speak and felt like I was making an impact. Then I got a tablet from working on our conference. It seemed like everything was aligning for me to want to keep my role. That's when the interview happened and something changed.

I want this job. I want it so badly and short of something crazy happening, I will take it if I can get it. Doing the research about HBCU recruiting and thinking up fun and exciting ideas made me feel more alive than most of the things I've done as an event planner. The role sounds like it would give me most of the things I love about my current job - travel, marketing my company to outsiders - and add to it things I've always wants - autonomy, a tight-knit team, and the chance to make an actual difference. So now I'm just praying that I can bring my A-game and convince them that they want to take me.

eek i haven't had time to post anything!

Shit is crazy up in here! I can't really post much because I'm exhausted and I suppose I should prepare for my interview tomorrow, but things have been topsy-turvy lately! I talked to my boss and I'm having some second thoughts about taking on a different role, but I'm working through it and processing and I'm going to go into the interview and try to do my best. I'm still not sure if making the move is the right choice, but I want to learn as much about it as I can and then make my decision.

Anyway, time for me to play with my new tablet (!!!!) and then go to sleep =)

but i don't wanna!!!

These past two weeks I've been out of the office, either at an event or on vacation. I am so not ready to return. Especially since my life coach isn't back from vacay yet, so I won't have anyone to gossip with! Hopefully there are people in the office. Tomorrow I have to tell my boss that I want to desert her. I know that's not the message, but that's what it'll sound like to me when I'm saying it. It's going to be so hard because I really care about her and like her. I'm also terrified I'm going to cry when I'm in there, because I'm a big sap. Pray for me!

Today, I did absolutely nothing. For those of you who aren't from the Bay Area, San Francisco is a really shitty place to be in the summer. It is foggy as all get out and chilly. It's pretty in an eerie kind of way, but it's not conducive to actually doing anything productive. So I mostly slept and read and then ate food at L&S' and chattered with them for a while. I heart them! It was so nice to see friends after a week of solitude in San Diego. Right now, I'm lazing about watching Mob Wives and Big Ang (I am SO classy, ya'll...). I think I might have a half a bottle of wine (most people drink wine by the glass, I'm more of a half-bottle girl) and then nod out. I have an 8am meeting with Gremlin tomorrow to discuss my interview and get some tips!

Happy Sunday!

drunk at the airport.

You know what they say - write drunk, edit sober. So here goes (although I highly doubt I will be doing any editing). I just send the snarkiest of emails to She Who Will Not Be Named (aka my work nemeses, my manager's manager). This was probably stupid as I am drunk. It also probably isn't nearly as snarky as I imagine it to be, as I am drunk, but oh well. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to love going to work. In fact, it's been one of the most stable aspects of my life. When people ask me about the best decisions I've made in my life, I always say "Brown is #1. That place changed my life. And the company I've been at for 5 years is a close second." My employer has given me SO much - fantastic trips, the opportunity to see things I never dreamed I could see, as well as some of my best friends ever. I can't imagine life without my company, so I'm really shocked that I feel so shitty about everything. The sad thing is, I've had bad bosses and directors before. I mean, when I look at all of my managers, it's been about 50/50. I had a manager who was *FIRED* for Christ's sake, but even he was better than what I'm dealing with now. I'm just at my wits end and I really have no idea how to resolve anything. This is strange territory for me. I've always been good at school and always been good at work. What is truly sad is that I'm not bad at work, I've just somehow gained the hatred of our team lead for God only knows what reason. It's disheartening. Then, I have this interview on Wednesday. I want this job so badly - not just because of my obvious drama - but because I feel like I'll finally have a job whose purpose I can get behind. Something I can be passionate about.

I wonder if I'm being a baby or immature about this. I mean, I hear all the time about people having drama with their co-workers. I'm just not like that. I generally like and/or tolerate everyone. If you don't get in my way, we're all good. I certainly have teammates I don't like, but we have a mutual respect for each other. This feels different, somehow. Something is tingling in the pit of my stomach - my Spidey sense is twitching - and I can tell something is off about this team and the direction we're going in. I have to honor that. I'm a survivor and an opportunist, always. I look out for myself and I trust my feelings - so far they've led me to exactly where I feel I need to be.

Please pray for me. I'm not used to hating work in this way. Can't I go back to the days when I was bitching about men? At least that was more exciting.

vacation is magical!

Seriously, why has no one ever told me about the magic and beauty of vacation?! I love it! Sorry for the radio silence, but I've been busy doing absolutely nothing. Hence why I'm blogging at 8am - I've actually been up since 3am due to the fact that I fell asleep at 9pm last night, but no matter. San Diego has been supremely awesome. It started out kind of rocky and with crappy weather, but the past couple of days have cleared up and I'm so happy I decided to get out of town. Spending my 5 days off in my apartment just didn't sound fun at all.

I haven't really done much and it feels good - I saw a movie (Ted... it was meh), saw a play (Richard III... good!), walked around the park, sat outside by the pool and tanned, went to a fancy steak dinner. I also slept like a hibernating bear for the first two days. I think I may have gotten over my extreme post-event exhaustion. Thank goodness! It was nice to be by myself, in an unfamiliar city, exploring. I got an amazing spa treatment - exfoliation, massage, and a facial. Three hours of bliss! Took in the sights on a harbor tour. My flight is tonight at 6pm and I really don't intend on doing much of anything today - more pool time, more reading. Sometimes you just need to get away from your life for a little bit, even if it's just to do things you could've done in your own city.

I've found some clarity around my recent issues. I'm looking forward to my interview on Wednesday, although I'm not looking forward to my conversation with my boss on Monday. We'll see how it goes. I still very much hate these bitches on my job, but I'm comforted by the fact that (1) I only strongly dislike 3 people, which is a pretty low number (2) They clearly have their own self-esteem issues they need to work out and I wish them all the best and (3) I know I'm good at what I do. So that's that. I've also started thinking up some exciting new blogging stuff that hopefully will come to pass. More on that later! Time for a quick nap before checking out of the hotel. God, I love vacation!

jesus take the wheel!

Good Lord, so much has happened over the past week. Our huge conference is over and it went smashingly! The press has been pretty awesome and I was so inspired by our keynotes. It makes me proud to work where I work, with such an amazing group of people. Technology will never cease to amaze me. The event was crazy - we did a ton of running around, but my supremely awesome event partner helped keep me sane. Our little duo held it down on the first floor - managing registration and our giveaways! It felt really good going home every night knowing I was working hard. I also got ridiculously shitfaced at the party and JazzGirl had to put me to bed. Like literally, as though I was a two year-old (I have the best friends). Being one out of like 15 women at the event, I managed to talk to one guy (an Israeli developer demoing robot helicopters - holla!) and get accosted by another. Score!

All in all, things went well and the whole thing made me want to be an event planner again. It was really uplifting and amazing. BUT. There's always a but. Shit is hitting the fan with this woman at my job and her little underling. Maybe if both of them focused on doing some fucking work instead of trying to sabotage me or sending little snarky passive aggressive emails my way, they would be better off. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I've decided I'm going to go to HR, because I need to document everything. If I get this other role and leave this team, I don't want any kind of retribution. I don't trust any of these bitches and it just seems like me, my boss, and my friends are getting unfairly treated and I can't handle it. If this woman wants to play ball, let's play.

I'm going to take a few seconds to be a little cocky right now - you've been warned. I am really good at my job. Not only am I really good at my job, but I've been really good at every other job I've had at this company. I work hard, I care about what I do, and I've established a reputation for being diligent, hardworking, and a team player. You can ask anyone who's ever worked with me - I know how to produce and execute. I've been at this company for FIVE YEARS. I used to work in HR and I know a lot of people - high and low and in various departments. I may not be able to do anything to this woman, but I can sure as hell make sure nothing happens to me, which is all I really care about at this point. And I will play any card I need to play to make sure she doesn't screw me over. It's just so sad because I hate to leave my boss. She is the most amazing manager I've ever had and she's just such a good person. I think I would learn a lot from her and it makes me cry to think that I can't even make a good decision on this because these women are effecting how I feel about my work. I don't want to let the terrorists win!

Anyhow, I have more stories - awkward Facebook messaging with the Israeli engineer, a more in-depth look at these heifers on my job, my psychic visit, my upcoming trip to San Diego (booked on a whim!) but I'm beat and I have a call in 6 minutes. Promise to update later! =)