random smattering of thoughts.

I'm tired and debating going to sleep at 9pm, so this is going to be random.

Just got back from Vegas - fun with my team as per usual! I also saw the two most baller suites in the Venetian/Palazzo. My job makes me wish I was rich. The life I could be living!

Date on Sunday was okay. It was weird - we discovered that we both went to Brown. He was a nice guy - he talked more than I do! Which is insane, because no one talks more than I do. I think it was a good foray into the dating world, but I don't think it was a true connection or anything like that. I'm just glad he was relatively normal and sane. Although, homeboy did tell me that he doesn't have a shower, only a claw foot bathtub. I can't imagine living a life with a daily bath. It sounds so Victorian England. Also, could you imagine sleeping over and then the next morning at his place you take a bath? I don't know about all that.

I drunkenly texted TOJ last night and was like "So are we still hanging out on Wednesday or what?" SUPER FUCKING BITCHY. Whatevs. He told me he skipped a work trip to keep our "date" and he wants to take me to dinner to a cuisine of my choosing. So he's picking me up from the station at 8pm tomorrow. Good sweet Lord Jesus, help me. I don't even want to talk about it right now. I'll fill you in on Thursday.

I weighed myself in the hotel and I just feel super depressed and hate everything about my body. So of course, I come home and binge eat because that's super healthy. Today was the first time I considered throwing up everything I had eaten and then realized that wasn't the answer. I need to work on this because clearly it's gotten out of control. More gym, more salads, less self-loathing. Sigh. I'm also consoling myself with my co-worker's favorite saying - "There's no gym for the face." I like my face.

My five year anniversary at my company just passed! I can't believe it - it's been a wild ride. A job transfer, three cross-country moves, and a major career change. It's been a long, strange journey, but I fucking love every minute of it. I wonder where I'll be five years from now.

Okay, now it's time for me to get into the season finale of Pretty Little Liars. =)

i've never been this productive in my whole life.

I don't know what got into me, but apparently I'm on a productivity roll today. I may even finish my list and be packed at a reasonable time --- okay, let's not get carried away. I'm sure I'll finish the list, but I'll probably still end up with 4 hours of sleep tonight. I have my date in less than four hours! Eek! But, I went to the mall and bought some new outfits, so I'll have something to wear. I also got my nails, feet, and brows done. Then I worked out! Holy shit - I'm on a roll!

Kind of nervous about tonight. I'm not sure excited about it, which is probably good. I know I have to put myself back out there, so this is step one. It's like a prep date. I hope it goes well and that he's nice, but I'm not necessarily expecting some crazy love connection. I'll let you all know tomorrow how it goes!

In the meantime, lots of cleaning to do!

2 years in SF!

This past Thursday was my two year anniversary in San Francisco. Every day I'm constantly reminded of how much I love this city and how happy I am that I gave it a second try. It has been a much better experience this time around. I spent the night celebrating a new friend's birthday - margaritas at Mosto and yummy, delicious food from Beretta. Seriously, we ordered like the entire menu, along with wine and cocktails. I somehow made it back home (thanks to Uber), and passed out drunkenly in my bed. It kind of marked the return of my social life. I've been insanely boring lately. I don't know why - part of it is my travel schedule, part of it is my friends' travel schedules, and then the rest of it is just moodiness and shitty SF summer weather. I think I'm ready to be social now, though. I have a date on Sunday night and seeing TOJ on Wednesday, and then dinner with a girlfriend on Thursday. I'm back!

Reflecting on these past two years in SF has been fun. So much has changed. I have a much wider circle of friends and I've gotten really close to some incredible people that I love. I've cut some people out of my life that desperately needed to go. I changed jobs, had a job crisis, and then got over it. In my two years here, I've dated three men for serious, kicked a guy in the face during sex, and went on some truly interesting dates. It's been a lot of fun running around SF, getting to know the city, and experimenting. I have this cool sex ed community that I'm starting to break into and I'm expanding my horizons. It feels like a lot of positive personal growth.

I'm pretty happy here. Life is certainly not perfect, but I know that I love this city because I can't stand going back to Manhattan - it just feels off. When I'm there, I miss my crazy hippies in the Haight, spectacular views of the Bay Bridge from my office, and the general "be who the fuck you want to be" lackadaisical nature of life in San Francisco. I really do feel like I can be myself here and it is awesome. Here's to (hopefully) spending the rest of my life in the Bay Area!

the problem with me.

The problem with me is that I'm a really nice person who wishes she could be mean, but can't. Especially when it comes to men, but in my friendships as well. I tend to generally like most people - it's hard for me to actively dislike someone unless they piss me off. I see people's flaws - of course I do, I'm a fucking Virgo. I see them, but once they've been identified, I tend to ignore them. Oh, that's just how so-and-so is. If the flaw isn't fatal, we can be friends. If it is, then I move on. I also don't like giving up on things or people. I am the kind of girl who will just keep trying to shove that square peg in that round hole. That's just who I am.

I used to get really upset when I thought about POP and how he broke up with me and then just vanished, but when I think about it now, I'm grateful for that. My emotions are crazy and volatile, which is why I try so hard to present such a cool facade. I don't cry in public (if I can help it) and I always try to seem okay at all times. I was taught that emotion was a weakness and that crying was useless, so it's hard for me to really come out of my shell because I don't want to be viewed as weak. All the volatility inside me, though, requires a lot of planning around how I interact with people. I hate surprises and I think that's what bothers me the most about TOJ popping up again. I'm sure everyone reading this is like "OMG DON'T MEET WITH HIM" and all that jazz. The problem is - he has already fucked me up by the sheer fact of contacting me. At this point, I think I would be more upset if I didn't see him because my carefully crafted equilibrium has been thrown out of whack and the uncertainty would eat me up inside. I have to at least see him once, figure out what his issue is, so I can develop a response and move on.

I love order and I love control and I love knowing what comes next. Uncertainty and surprise don't really work for me. I will never be a spontaneous person - that's just one of my neuroses. I need to know what's happening and I need to direct the action. I strongly dislike being put in a place where I feel like my balance is off. That's what he's done to me and now I need to figure out how to get that balance back.

On the bright side, I am no longer the person I was 5 years ago when I dated Tech Guy and got sucked into a 3 year shitshow. I'm not even the person who dated the Blexican and allowed pity to prolong a bad relationship. I am going to handle this much differently than I would have in the past and I'm looking forward to taking back the control I need to balance my life.

guess who's back???

Boys. God, I don't understand them - I really don't. I have a very short dating history, but still I think this is incredibly telling. In the 5 years that I've been living and dating in two major metropolitan areas, I've been on countless numbers of dates. I'm the OG online dater and in that time, only ONE man has not contacted me after breaking up. I once had a dude email me 9 months after we went out once just to "say hey." What the fuck? If I haven't talked to you in 9 months and we only went on one date, I don't want to say hey to you. I want you to leave me the hell alone, basically.

So anyway, I was chillin' chillin' mindin' my business - yo Salt, I looked around and I couldn't believe it! Haha, sorry I got caught up being an idiot. Anywho, I was just hanging around the house cleaning, getting ready to go out to dinner when I decided to check my phone and guess who had texted me? TOJ. It was a pretty basic text:

Him: Are you in emeryville?
Me: Haha no. Why?
Him: Your doppelgänger was at the marshalls there. i didn't want to interrupt your hot date, as i was only looking for cheap wicker baskets ;)

So basically I was super confused by this. We broke up around 5 months ago and not a peep from him and now all of a sudden, there he is like nothing had happened. Of course, he asked me to hang out so we can catch up. I thought he was bullshitting, so I was like "Sure - that sounds fun." But then he wrote back with a detailed schedule of his life for the next month, as well as what area he'd like to meet up in. I didn't really know what to do - I basically had a full-scale freak-out and couldn't function. So I just ignored his text message, lol. I didn't really know what to say, so I said nothing. After consulting with my life coach at work, she told me that I should suggest something in the future very vaguely and then try to ferret out what he wanted. So I sent her pre-approved text and waited. I told him this week was bad for me, but maybe next week and then I was like "To be honest, I'm surprised to hear from you... It's been a really long time." Opening the door to him letting me know what the hell this was about.

He responded last night and was like "Next week is way better. It has been a while. Life got really stressful - you saw some of it. I needed some me time." Not really sure what that meant, but I've agreed to see him because I'm curious to see what he says. It's probably not what I should be doing, but I've been so unsettled about it lately that I know I need to just get this out of my system.

I have wayyy more to say on this, but it's already long. I'll save something for tomorrow.

lazy sunday...

Well, not really. After spending yesterday sick and wallowing around, I decided I cannot play any games today. I need to get shit done. I get so angry with myself sometimes because I have these little melancholies that render me unable to really deal with people, so I shut myself away, stay off of social media and just sleep the whole day away. I'm not really sure what causes them and they're always short-lived (well, except for my whole freshman year of college... lol), but I don't know if they're healthy or not. Maybe I just need the extra time to myself, but I hate how crippling it makes me feel when it happens. There's just a complete disregard for reality or responsibility and I just succumb to the darkness for the 24-72 hours that it takes over. Oh, well... most days I'm a perfectly normal human being, so I suppose it's not that bad.

Operation: Get My Shit Together is in full effect. I had terrible dreams last night about finding the proper aerialist for my event (yes, this is what event planners stress about). This morning I awoke to a flood of emails about the event. Gotta love working over the weekend. I'm excited, though. This event will be good for me. I'm already plowing away on my list and have finished almost 20% of it and it's not even noon. Yay!

Happy Sunday!

reorganizing my life.

I am feeling very disoriented lately and I think I need to do a complete life overhaul. My apartment, my job, my social life, my body. Everything needs an upgrade or at the very least an update. I don't feel like I'm fully optimized, which is hard for me. Everything feels off kilter.

Balance is probably the most important thing to me. I am a person of extremes, which makes life get a little crazy sometimes, so I'm constantly striving to be as balanced as I can. I want to be a grown-up, but I still want to have fun. I want to have a successful career, but I also want to have a kick-ass social life. I already feel like I cram a lot of living into my days, but I'm trying to figure out how to do it better, so I don't have these periods of depression where I go into this hermit phase because I can't handle the reality of my day-to-day. It's just not healthy.

Right now, there are a number of things I know I need to work on. I have to start working out again, that's priority numero uno right now. I also would love to completely clean out my apartment and organize things in the proper way. I get a serious hard-on for organization. I love it. It's almost perverse how much I enjoy doing weird shit like organizing my books and DVD collection. I'm also trying to figure out why my love life is so stagnant right now. The sad thing is, whenever I get an opportunity for something, I say no. I don't know what's happened to me, but that's a tale for another time.

In the meantime, I want to focus on getting my apartment clean so I feel like I'm living more like an adult and less like a frat boy. Tomorrow, it's back in the gym for me!

first big test.

I'm kind of hyperventilating right now. I have my first big event that I'm managing on my own in exactly one month. I have no idea how we're going to get it all done by then. It's for a product we haven't even launched yet and I'm so damn nervous! My boss leaves for Chile on Wednesday and won't be back until the actual event. Yikes! I am truly on my own. I'm excited about it, but terrified. This is my chance to prove myself and I cannot muck it up. I have to be focused and dedicated on the task at hand for the next 30 days. I am really looking forward to the challenge, though. It feels good to be frightened about something. I haven't felt nerves like this since SXSW and that ended up being a successful event. Let's hope this one follows suit. I feel like I'm really starting on my path.

that whole job thing.

It's taken me forever to write about this, mostly due to lack of time and I also wanted to wrap my head around what I was feeling before putting it down for all (well, all 5 of you who read this) to see. I formally removed myself from the interview process for the campus recruiting job and have decided to stay in my current role as a marketing event coordinator (soon to be planner!). It took a lot of time for me to come to this decision, but I'm really relieved and happy and I feel very good about it.

I think I just suffered my first quarter-life crisis. Basically, a whole bunch of random shit happened at once that really made me want to leave my role. The whole getting in trouble for being a "mean girl" was a huge part of it, in addition to my not-so-lovely relationship with one of the girls on the team. I think I really let all of that get to me and it showed me some of the negatives about my personality. I 100% hold grudges. I just do - it's one of those things that I'm not proud of, but it's hard for me to help it. Once someone has wronged me in some way (or I feel wronged), it is just over, especially if we're not friends. If we're friends, I'll usually move on - forgive, but not forget - but if I don't know you from a hole in the wall then It. Is. On. It takes a lot to make me angry and I think those two people just managed to push the right buttons. I work HARD. I do my job well and I try to never shirk any of my responsibilities, so when I get called out for what I think is bullshit, I don't react well. So that, combined with the fact that some of my regular duties at work were rubbing me the wrong way caused me to lash out and decide to get the fuck out.

However, I started to really think about what I do and what is amazing about my job. I love being onsite at events - the adrenaline is amazing. You're creating something so special for your attendees and you get some pretty awesome perks. Standing outside in Montana at an ultra-posh resort, eating the best ice cream of my life and watching a rodeo, I was just like "Damn. This shit doesn't happen in too many other jobs." Not only that, our big developer conference inspired me - all the creativity and the pageantry, I really do love that stuff. Then there are the perks - new, unreleased products, riding in private jets, meeting people I see on TV and read about online. That is astounding and inspiration. It's hard to walk away from that. Chatting with my manager, she asked me point blank. "In 5 years, where do you want to be - in marketing or in HR?" It was a pretty simple question for me to answer, given how hard I worked to get out of my old role and the drama that exists in the HR world. While I know that the recruiting job would've been awesome and fun and exciting, and I would have a truly amazing manager, I just knew that after a couple of years, I would want more.

I have so much more to learn in my current career. I am the greenest person on the team, with less than 2 years of event experience and I've already done a lot of amazing things and worked on exciting projects. I think if I give myself some time, I can do even more and learn and grow. I also think there's more long-term potential for my own business if I stay where I am. Or maybe I could even get into doing those events I've always wanted to do - like movie premieres and award shows. I have the chance to really grow my brand and my knowledge in the best place possible. The access I have and the company behind me would open doors and opportunities I can't even begin to imagine. So that's why I'm going to stay. I'm going to take a hard look at what I do - what I like and what I don't like, what skills I need to grow, and what I'm good at - and reformat my position to make it more appealing. I'm also going to spend the rest of 2012 and 2013 busting my ass to get a promotion. I already have a new event next month, and then next year I have major events each month until June, not to mention the launch of our hot new product. I'm ready and willing to work hard to make the changes I need to make to grow my career.

travel day from hell.

This whole process of interviewing and looking for a new job have really helped show me how much I love being an event planner, but let me just say that today has been a nightmare trying to travel. Given how frequently I travel for work (and pleasure), I have been insanely lucky. I've never missed a flight (even when I've waited until the last damn minute to leave for the airport) and I've never had a flight cancelled. Despite all that, some travel days just suck majorly and today is one of them. It took 90 minutes to get from the Gansevoort Hotel to JFK and of course I hadn't given myself that much time. I had to book it to get my damn bag checked and ran like hell to get through security, only to get through and find out we'd been delayed. Womp womp. I haven't eaten (since I was too busy rushing and the Virgin Terminal in JFK sucks for food), so I'm ravenous and really just want to kill everyone. We have like another 2 and a half hours on this damn flight and with the 2 hour delay - 1 hour of which was spent on the tarmac - we're looking at getting in around 10pm. Sigh. Let's hope nothing goes horrifically wrong with my Vegas trip in 10 days. Gotta love the jetset life I lead!

I cannot wait to be back in SF - I've missed everyone and everything so much. Things I'm looking forward to:

• Not sweating my goddamned ass off! I went from 115 degrees in AZ to 90s in NYC and humid as hell. I couldn't even blink my eyes without sweat pouring down my back. I forgot how absolutely disgusting you feel ALL SUMMER when you're in Manhattan. If California has made me soft, you know what - I don't give a goddamn! It's temperate and my weak ass loves it!
• Catching up on DVR. OMG, Pretty Little Liars withdrawal and I need to see Honey Boo Boo based on all the blog recaps. 
• Seeing my therapist. It's been like 6 weeks, you guys! I need to hash out my life with someone who has a degree and a license - so many updates for her!
• I'm going to a mixer tomorrow in an attempt to meet men in a non-online fashion. God help me. I'm so awkward at any random social event, even if it's just girls, so who knows how this will go. Hopefully there are at least some interesting people there. 
• Seeing my friends and my city - I feel like I haven't hung out with anyone in SO long. I want to be social for the next 10 days and see everyone.

Okay, back to work for me - I have a lot of random shit to get done before we land!

being in NYC is so strange to me...

I'm not really sure why, but going to New York just feels odd to me. I don't know if it's because I used to live here and now I don't or if it's because so many of my friends have moved away from the city. I actually prefer to be on Long Island when I come into town because then I can frolic around in my parents' house and hang out with LI people. It just feels like all the things I did and the people I hung out with when I lived in Manhattan have moved. Luckily, some have come to SF, but others have moved to LA or Wisconsin or Chicago or Boston. It just doesn't feel the same. This trip is especially weird, since my co-workers in the NYC office from my old team aren't here. When I stop to think about how many people I can really contact when I come here, the number is pretty small.

I also don't know if I was ever really happy living here, at least not in the way that I have been in SF. Even though I travel all the damn time, San Francisco is my home and it feels so comfortable to me. It's where I belong. It feels warm and cuddly and safe. Maybe because I finally feel like I have the social life I've been craving and I'm not commuting all the damn time and I've found my niche with my teammates. I can't put my finger on it, but something about SF feels so incredibly right.

It's a terrifying feeling to have because I've always prided myself so much on being a New Yorker and it's something that is ingrained in your soul, especially being the child of two lifelong New Yorkers. I love the place in theory, but when I get here I'm kind of meh about it. I guess this is what it feels like to grow up and move on with your life.

weekend in NYC!

I'm getting ready to head out to New York this week - I'm so excited! I booked my hotel and I'm staying at the Gansevoort, which is going to be amazing. I've never stayed in a NYC hotel before. I have beach plans, I'm going to see a friend's play - life is awesome! Sundresses and rooftop bars, here I come. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to be at home for a little bit. Get some Long Island time, get some Manhattan time. It's going to be great.

This trip to AZ has brought me a lot of clarity, which I'll write about in the coming days. I've decided to stay at my job in event planning and not move any further with the other role. I'll talk more about that in a bit, but it feels good to be able to announce that! I'm also working on an exciting new sex ed project that is giving me a lot of hope and something to channel my energies toward.

Things are picking up!

pretty much living in the airport for the next two months.

Tomorrow begins another whirlwind week of travel. I'll be in Phoenix (well, Scottsdale), Arizona for the next three days doing a site visit for our major advertising event that takes place in October. Looking forward to some pool time (maybe spa, too?), checking out the new grounds, and basking in the heat. We have a couple of visits to neighboring hotels planned - it's always good to check out new venues. From there, a hop over to NYC, where I will spend the weekend on Lawn Guyland, soaking up the beach, eating bagels, and enjoying being in my parents' house when they're not there. Monday morning, I'm in the NYC office, getting ready for site visits for my event in September. I also have a trip to Vegas planned for the end of August and then September will be two more trips to NYC. Insanity!

In dating news, I'm enjoying being back on the online dating scene. It's amusing to me, as is this whole OKCupid locals thing. Random people wanting to meet up randomly - I'm wayyy too much of a planner for that, but I enjoy the invitations. A boy told me I was "beautiful, like a living poem" which made me LOL for like 30 minutes. I've started getting the repeat messengers - you know, the ones that write you multiple times and forget that they wrote you before. Goes to show how many feelers they put out there. Nobody interesting yet, but I'm enjoying it again, so that's a plus.

Anyway, I have to pack and clean (of course) and I also have to be up tomorrow at like 6am for this thing at work that I'm doing before my flight. Why oh why do I volunteer for things?

happy sunday!

I have the biggest blogger's block right now, but I'm writing anyway because it's on my list and I want to cross it off =) This weekend was so amazingly hermit-like and awesome. I love being social, but I also need to calm the fuck down and just stay in sometimes. I did manage to venture out today and buy two new books - Bring Up The Bodies by Hilary Mantel (because I loved Wolf Hall so much and any novel set in the Henry VIII era will get me every time) and How Should a Person Be by Sheila Heti. I've been reading a bunch lately and I'm happy to keep plowing through books.

I revamped my OKCupid profile, because I just can't stay away from it. Also discovered something called OKCupid Locals, via my coworker, who told me it's like Grindr for straight people. Some guy wanted to meet up with me at 3am, but please - you all know I was sleeping at that time (oh and the whole meeting someone you don't know at 3am sounds sketchballs). It does seem like it could be an interesting experiment, though. There were lots of hotties on it in Cole Valley last night.

Plans for the rest of the day include cleaning my apartment, dragging my booty to the grocery store to stock up on all that shit you can't get at Whole Foods (sponges, dishwasher detergent, etc), and maybe a nice nap beforehand. I'm slowly chipping away at the to-do list and I have a lot I need to get done before I head out to Arizona on Wednesday morning!

summertime in SF...

Most people throughout the country get super excited about summer - beaches, sundresses, frolicking in the park. Summer in San Francisco is pretty shitty, so none of that for me. I'm laying in bed (I've been in bed pretty much all day) looking out my window at the overcast foggy Panhandle. I haven't gotten dressed or set foot outside of the apartment. The only human being I've had contact with was L, who pinged me on gChat. Today is a shut-in day fo' sho' and I'm happy about it. I've been so damn tired lately that it's nice to use this weekend to relax and recharge. I sometimes forget that I can't run on fumes and I don't have to be productive every single day. I need rest and time to check in with myself in order to function properly as a human being. Plus I have exciting new projects that I want to work on and I've been doing some outlining for that. Some days you just need to relax...

enough about work, let's play!

I am tired of having existential crises about my job - I'm over the whole process of analyzing it and I think I've come to a decision, which is basically that I will take my interviews on Tuesday and see what happens. In the meantime, I have major news. I am SO ready to start dating again and actively looking for/at men.

After spending the past week drooling over photos of Ryan Lochte and imagining all of the dirty, illegal-in-Southern-states sexual acts I want to perform on him, I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to screw around again. I haven't gotten laid in four months and I'm starting to really feel like it's time. I'm bored and the fog is starting to lift. It is time for me to put myself out there and hope for the best. And if not for the best, then hopefully 20 minutes of mediocre sex, which would be better than nothing at this point. When things ended with TOJ, I got a little jaded and just gave up on men entirely. I was tired of playing games and being an emotional wreck.

This cycle, I want to focus on going out and meeting as many people as possible, in as many ways as possible. This means doing more things around the city - going to bars and clubs, joining organizations, being open and friendly when I'm out in the world, and saying yes to invitations from friends. In addition to that, online dating is back on the table. I am also not ruling out the possibility to fucking around with people I don't care about because why not. I've tried punishing myself and "being good," I've tried not thinking about dating, and I've tried believing that God is testing my will and I just need to be strong enough and one day my prince will come. It's all a bullshit fairy tale spun by women with privileges I will never have. If I'm going to be single, I'm going to have fun - as much fun as I possibly can. There doesn't seem to be any reason not to. Let's be real - I am far too fabulous to be living the life of a nun.