secrets, secrets are no fun.

I was reading a really great post by Lorraine over at Late to the Party and it had me thinking about the importance of keeping my shit to myself. Growing up, I was not the over-sharer that I've become and I don't really know when the shift happened. Probably when I learned to trust people. I spent most of my adolescence in fear of friendship and the cruel things people do to one another. It wasn't really until I met high school BFF and our clique, the MCM, that I truly learned what trust and friendship were. I began to open up a bit more. College followed, and my desire for authenticity helped me break out of my shell, and now here I am - a girl with very little shame and the desire to tell everyone everything.

In general, I like being an open person. It helps me work through shit and allows me to be crazy narcissistic when I want to be. I also like shocking people, so talking about taboo subjects and sharing my unorthodox views on life can be a lot of fun. However, sometimes I wonder if I'm jinxing myself. My need to tell people everything can sometimes lead to this paralyzing fear of action. It's like I can't do anything without input from a committee of my closest friends and family members. It can be quite limiting. There's also the fact that no matter how much you explain a situation, goal, or dream to another person, they aren't living with your truth. They give advice based on what limited information you've shared and what they know of you, but they don't know every little thought that goes on in your head. No one can really know that but you. I also fear that it places these unnecessary expectations on things. If you're excited about something and you share it, and it doesn't come to pass, then you look like a jackass. I hate looking like a jackass.

I'm trying to take a step back from over-sharing - not in all aspects of my life, but in some. Trying to keep some mystery about myself and having secrets that I keep inside. Over the next couple of months I want to keep my romantic escapades and desires to myself. I haven't done a great job of it so far, but I think for the next few months, I'm going to keep knowledge of my romantic life on a 'need to know' basis. When something happens that I feel like people should know, I'll share it, but until then I'm going to be a little more coy and reserved about my interests and what happens with them. It'll help me get less excited and invested in things, as well as allowing me to tap into my own desires and wants and not letting advice from others get in the way. However, for random sexual encounters, trust me - I will still continue to share those widely. It's the emotional shit I'll be keeping to myself.